A couple of months ago, a relative of mine emailed and said she had an acquaintance that would be moving into our area and would it be ok for her to contact me with some questions regarding our school/district. I said sure. And the following email was sent to me. (I am editing out some identifying information. Anything in italics has been changed or added for clarification.)
From: Stranger
To: Me
Sent: Wed, March 23, 2011 2:14:19 PM
Subject: A few questions
Hi Sarah!
Your relative is an acquaintance of mine. She emailed you on my behalf about ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. We are looking at buying in the area, and if so, will end up either at your school or another elementary school in a different district. I have done as much research as I can from afar and we have visited both schools and spent time with both principals. Both schools have pros and cons to me, so am looking for other objective opinions about your school, and would love to know your thoughts. Overall, I like your school district better, but to be honest, feel more comfortable with the other elementary school as the school. The huge draw to me for your district, and therefore your school, is the opportunity for GT (gifted and talented) involvement and music/arts. The other school district seems to be lacking in that…not a district focus? However, again being honest, when I saw that the Kindergarten class at oyur school currently, in which we have friends with a son in that grade, is 50% minority (based on the class pictures….school data says 40% minority as a school), I was a bit concerned. I am not opposed to diversity in and of itself, but am fearful of an environment that might prove as a distraction in the early grades. I spoke with the principal about this and as the principal he answered very up front and I appreciated that, but I still have doubts. The K class she would be in here would have 3% diversity, which I admit is too little, but not sure what to think about the mix. The school is quite far from the prospective area and I don’t want her to be in an environment that would not be as academically focused and progressive as I would like it to be, due to SES (socioeconomic status) mix. I think I have my concerns too as I taught formerly in a large Southern city in a very mixed school and found that my best students did not in fact get the best education that they could have due to school struggles, so not wanting to project that on your school, but just being honest. Your relative said I could be honest with you and that you were very upfront, so I hope that you don’t find my questions offensive, just real. Can you share any thoughts and your opinion of your school’s pros and cons?
Thanks Sarah.
I was taken aback by her email and truthfully avoided responding. I was actually shocked that someone was totally comfortable emailing a total stranger with those questions. But then I received an email from my relative saying the acquaintance was anxious for my response so I sent the following:
From: Me
To: Stranger
Sent: Tues, March 29, 2011 11:21:25 AM
Subject: Re: A few questions
Stranger -
I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Things have been hectic around here as usual, and to be honest, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. Firstly, let me point out the what I say is strictly my opinion and has nothing to do with my relative.. She did warn you that I would be upfront, so here goes.
Your email really threw me for a loop. The reasons you state for being hesitant about our school are the very reasons we moved into their boundaries. All three of my children will attend there. My daughter is in 5th grade and started there in Kindergarten. We embrace the diversity, as it is much more representative of the real world. My daughter has friends of all nationalities and SESs. Truthfully, I was very uncomfortable reading your email. It came across as bigoted and elitist. You say you are “not opposed to diversity in and of itself,” but your words say otherwise.
You claim it may be a distraction in the younger grades, but I would argue that secluding your children from other races/income levels for years and then releasing them into the mix in middle school would be more of a distraction. If they grow up with a mix, then it isn’t unusual. Are they not around any minorities now?
I’d like to tell you that our gifted program is fantastic, but just as it is all across the country, our district has budget cuts across the board. With your child not yet having started Kindergarten though it shouldn’t be too much of an issue. It really is too early to tell. And you can always supplement her education at home. If you feel she is getting shortchanged in her education at our school, you can always speak with her teachers and the principal. Or perhaps homeschooling or private schools may be an option.
Please think about what you’ve asked me and try to see why I’ve responded this way. I very much believe in equality. I do not think that a poor, black student is going to bring my child down. Nor do I assume that student must be less intelligent or a distraction. It seems a very broad over-generalization to assume that all minorities and those in lower income brackets are going to be less smart, more distracting, and somehow problem kids. I am very active in my kids’ lives and have not found that to be the case.
Also, I would caution you to keep these opinions to yourself. Perhaps your state isn’t as blended as our area, but that type of attitude is not very common up here. Also, when you state that you hope I don’t find your questions “offensive, just real,” I did find them offensive. And if you need to say that, you know they are offensive. I’m not sure I could ever change your mind, but I also couldn’t smile and nod my head without addressing the underlying prejudices in your questions.
-Sarah
And then:
From: Stranger
Date: March 29, 2011 3:34:00 PM CDT
To: Me
Subject: RE: A few questions
Thank you for your responses. They don’t bother me in the slightest, and I welcome them. That is why I asked. Yes, your area is much different than where we are now, and yes, as I stated our diversity at our home school here is about 3%. That is all that we know, except for my previous experience, as I mentioned in a very diverse school where I did not see positive outcomes. You may think me prejudiced and prejudge me, but I think that would be wrong. We can only know what we know and as we look at a new situation that is very different, I think it is absolutely okay to ask the questions that I did, because those are my concerns based on my own experiences and everyone wants the best for their child and we try to protect against things that we may see as disruptive. Obviously you have had good experiences with a very mixed school and I am glad you have shared that with me. I have not, and want to hear what you shared, that it can turn out differently. I don’t assume that every mixed situation with a variety of SES is bad, but again, with my experiences with 2 schools in our large Southern city, the outcome situation was disruptive and not what a parent would hope for, so the only thing you can do is ask, and I did. Thank you for answering. Your cousin described you as open-minded and willing to answer honestly, so I thought you would be able to see that my questions were what they were….something that I am not familiar with, and wanting to get an opinion on. I do apologize for offending you, although I am not sure why, as we are still considering your school as a strong option and like many things about it, but just asking about the things we are not familiar with. You choosing the school for those reasons speaks to the stability of the environment, which is what I am seeking to know more about. It is hard to gain that perspective from school district staff, and really only parents can provide that perspective, although each will have their own thoughts on the matter. We have talked to a few other parents who in fact shared our thoughts before entering your school, but have been happy with the school as well, so I am feeling better about it overall. Again, I don’t apologize for having the questions and thoughts I have, because based on my personal experiences I have seen some of the possible outcomes that I don’t want for my daughter, but I do apologize for asking you and making you feel uncomfortable. Just as you cannot begin to know my background and reasonings, nor can I know yours, but do appreciate you sharing your thoughts. In regard to keeping my thoughts to myself, not sure I understand that. I am not making any personal pronouncements about my feelings on diversity. I asked questions, just to you, based on my past experiences. I feel like I explained that in my email…that there are reasons why I have the concerns that I do, based on what I have seen and personally witnessed as a teacher. Those are questions, hence the asking, not my personal statements about diversity. I hope to live in more diversity than we have here. It is one of my goals in fact for my kids, but trying to learn at the same time. It just something that we are currently not exposed to, and after explaining that I feel like you have attacked me for it personally rather than just mom to mom, helping someone new get a better understanding of a very different place.
Thank you for your time and if we do settle into that part of the area, we will both have a child in K next year and look forward to meeting you then.
And lastly:
From: Me
Date: March 31, 2011 5:29:03 PM CDT
To: Stranger
Subject: Re: A few questions
Stranger -
I didn’t intend to come across as prejudging. I am actually a firm advocate of not doing that which I thought would be clear according to my inital response. Just as you were only asking about things you feel are different that your status quo, I can only base my opinions on the questions you were asking, and I did feel very uncomfortable. You were not asking me about overall school information or even specific details about classes and how they were run or even test scores or special classes. You specifically asked me about minorities and SES mix. I can only respond to what you’ve requested and I feel I did that while still maintaining my personal beliefs. If that email is a total misrepresentation, then ok, but it is all I had to go on.
Good luck in your move and school search.
-Sarah
It did get me thinking… was I too harsh? Should these be the questions that are asked? Upon several more readings, I am still very uncomfortable with the email. What are your thoughts? Was I too tough? Was I too nice? How would you feel if someone you didn’t know asked you those things? How would you feel if someone you did know asked you?
After reading her response to your very thoughtful and well written letter, I went back and read her initial e-mail again, trying to read it through the eyes of — just looking for information — and I still couldn’t quite get the brown taste out of my mouth.
I have a mixed race daughter and many years ago moved from the Boston Public Schools, where she was in a wonderful “diverse” (read, racially mixed) top notch school to Cape Cod, where there was no diversity. She was one of 2 kids of colour (the other was from India as I remember) and the school was no where near up to the quality of the school in Boston.
It saddens me when people, like Stranger, still feel that it is OK to express what are essentially racist viewpoints and then try to justify it by saying that they just need to be honest with their feelings.
I thought your response was classy, concise, appropriate and very thoughtful. You didn’t attack, but you were clear. Thank you so much for once again being a voice of reason!
My initial reaction to her first email was “Wow! The audacity!”. And I have to give you kudos for not sugar coating your response, like 99.9% of the world’s population would, myself probably included sadly. But as I read on through the string, I can see her point of different regions and experiences leading to different prejudices. Her first email sounded fairly ignorant, but with good grammar. She is obviously educated but sheltered. However, I have to remind myself constantly that ignorance isn’t entirely the fault of the ignorant. It takes people like you to make others see what they say and do and how that effects those around them. I think you got that point across or at least opened up a new way of thinking for her. But also, as your point was slightly harsh, it might not have had the desired affect on her. Her guard will most likely be up as she felt she was “attacked”. And feelings or our perception are huge obstacles on reality. While I hope she can see your opinion for what it is, she might be overclouded with self-preservation and lose the whole point you were trying to make. I applaud your response, but I also hope she is able to take some of what you said for what it is: good solid advice on how to live and teach your children to adapt to their diverse environment.
Although you are obviously right, I think you were a bit too harsh. Some of what she said in the initial email may have been ignorant, but still, she was just trying to be honest. Maybe try and exercise a little more of that understanding you expected her to automatically have. It was obvious in her following emails that she didn’t mean any disrespect to anyone. She didn’t know, and at least she listened to what you had to say about that and tried to understand why what she said may have been wrong.
Again, I’m with you here, I’m just trying to add some perspective. I just happened to stumble upon this post, and I haven’t read much of the rest of your blog. I feel that your readers’ opinions may offer a skewed “real world” view. They are, after all, YOUR readers, and most of them probably read your blog because they like what you have to say.
PREACH!
I teach in a low income area in Phoenix. The population is mostly Hispanic, but regardless, my kids want to and can learn. How ignorant of Stranger to assume that the color of a child’s skin would have anything to do with her child’s learning. She couldn’t have asked about the quality of teachers? Or the availability of technology in the classroom? Or what the school lunches are like? The presence of peers from different backgrounds has very little to do with a child’s success in the classroom. My role as a teacher is exponentially more important than the skin color of my students. I deal with this sentiment on a regular basis. Why, people ask, would I want to teach poor children of color? Why? Because one day, every child will have the right to a quality education. It’s mindsets like Strangers that not only fuel racism and bigotry in this country, but they also continue to widen the achievement gap, and that, to me, is one of the saddest things about our country.
I’m speechless — both by the audacity and offensiveness of her initial e-mail and the eloquence of yours. I’m not sure I would have applied so much restraint with someone so undeserving of it.
After the first jaw-dropping email, I agree with your instinct to ignore the email. In all honesty, you were a lot nicer than I would have been. Everyone’s tolerance has a limit.
I read this awhile ago but am just coming back now to post.
I understand her questions but if I’d been her I would not have phrased them that way. I also see your side, but would not have phrased your response that way. Harsh to harsh I suppose.
Your honesty was inspiring. I might have just politely recommended the other school so I would never have to deal with this racist person. :)
Nerdy, I wish I could be as forthright as you. I feel like I let ignorant assholes get away with way too much B.S. Kudos for standing up for what you believe in and not trying to smoooooooth things over.
Relatedly, Stranger’s comments are interested, as there are a number of sociological studies published which demonstrate how teachers connect the best with students from their own socio-economic background, and are more likely to call students from outside of that frame of reference as “bad”, or those students don’t fair as well academically in their classes. I can’t for the life of me remember the phrase this was coined with, but I think Stranger’s experience as a teacher explicates this point all too well.
Honestly, I can see both sides of it. My mother was a 4th and 5th grade teacher in Brooklyn, NY for 35 years (she’s now retired) and her students were like 90% non-white (no exaggeration). Many of them were from low-income families and A LOT of them were problem kids, but my mother taught the IGC (Intellectually Gifted Children, one notch below Honors) and there she had minimal problems. So basically, Stranger may have noticed some of the same things my mother noticed over her 35 years in teaching minority children (most of the “problem kids” were from fellow teachers. The IGC had minimals problems.) But it also shows that smart kids from any demographic have fewer disruptions; it also shows that ethnicity/race does not HAVE to be (and isn’t ALWAYS) indicative of intelligence or behavioral problems. It just so happens that sometimes that’s the case. It’s sad but true. I don’t think Stranger was saying that that’s how it SHOULD be, just how it IS from her perspective.
Stranger should be ashamed of herself. Were you a bit harsh? Maybe, but after all the hulabaloo over Boo/Daphne it is understandable. The fact that she repeatedly stated she was from ” a large Southern state” was her effort to say, look I am a conservative, likely right winged republican, and I don’t cotton to that diversity nonsense…so how bad is it really…I mean my princess woudn’t have to associated with anyone different would she???? Shudder! It is so sad. Instead of being grateful she has a choice of more that one reall fine schools for her daughter t get a free education from she spends all her time looking for the most homogenous space for her to learn in. What a sad sad comment…isn’t it supposed to be 2011???
I grew up in a big city. I went to a high school of about 4000 kids, i also went to one of the best high schools in my state. I’m a white girl, and i was the minority at my high school and i loved it! That was one of the most offense things i think i’ve ever seen, who cares about the color of skin or SES? It doesn’t change who that person is, what they’re capable of or any thing else that has to do with schools and life. Ugh, people are silly.
Wow! I can’t believe ‘Stranger’ couldn’t see just how offensive her questions were! My daughter is bi-racial and absolutely HATE it when people assume that she is a bad child, simply because of the color of her skin. I had her at a young age (19) with a man who had no business being a father. I’ve tried my best to raise her to be a smart, respectful, well-behaved young lady, and I’ve done it alone. I get compliments from people all the time on how well behaved she is, but only once they get to know her. Skin color has absolutely no meaning. I probably wouldn’t have been so nice in a response to an email like that. You’re a stronger woman than I am. Kudos to you for taking the high road :)
You took a risk by responding to the initial email with your gut. Taking risks is never comfortable, but it does speak to your bravery. You are obviously tuned in to the nuances of bigotry, and your tolerance for it is low. How can that be a bad thing? Although I believe “Stranger” sees themselves as a good person (experienced, tolerant, honest, etc.), I’m not sure they have fully embraced their own prejudices, and the experiences which have served to reinforce them. Somewhere along the line, goodness shifted in Stranger, and Stranger was likely left with unanswered questions.
Stranger is afraid, and fear has brought about the age old fight or flight response. I hope Stranger will be able to overcome their fear with the same measured calm with which they defended themselves to you. To Stranger I would like to say, “It’s okay to be afraid, and you were right to ask questions to alleviate your fear, but know that the answer as to why you are afraid may actually lie in your own deep-seated prejudices.”
Take a risk, Stranger. Re-open your eyes, and your heart.
If I was in that position I would not even bothered to answer the e mail. Sometimes you are just better with people like that off of your life and you know when you have one of those in front of your nose. You were just being too nice…
I think your response was spot on. And I also think that she has no idea what she feels is outdated. I would hope that you will be able to befriend her. I hope she moves to your district. I hope that you are able to take her by the hand and walk her … drag her into … learning that all people are all equal.
I am sad for her and proud that you are honest an straight forward. You have been given a great platform to open the eyes of those blinded by their own comfort zone.
Your kids are blessed you are their mom. I hope you get the chance to look back years from now and be humbled by how our friendship started.
I do think it is a brave step to admit your fears no matter how much they don’t add up with today’s acceptable norms. Maybe now for her it is time to open the doors and windows to the big beautiful world and learn how great every person is no matter color, religion, ses, gender, clothing, friends, lovers, etc.
Thank you for sharing the letter. It is a reminder that all things new can be scary and maybe we all need an tour guide. Hope you can be hers.
I have to agree with Jenn. As a born and raised southerner, who was (luckily) raised to be open minded, I desperately want southerners to see the world outside of the south. It is so hard to overcome the thick culture of the south and allow yourself to learn that the rest of the world is VERY different and open. One of the best things I ever did was move across the country.
I agree the email was offensive and applaud your response. At the same time, I hope someone takes the time to help this family learn differently! It is the only way we can address the issue.
Thanks for sharing.
I think you’re a lot nicer than I would be than if I had a relative who said things like that to me. Just wow.
Interesting that I heard a clip of Sarah Palin describing how she left college in Hawaii, saying that being surrounded by so many natives was a “distraction.”
So for this lady, perhaps the diversity will be a distraction - because she will make it so, and in turn, she will make it a distraction for her children, also. Too bad.
I liked your response, but I also liked her explanation back to you. She did seem incredibly racist in her first email. But in her follow up she explained why she asked those questions. It is a shame that she would feel other races would be a “distraction.” But, like she said, that is all she’s known. It doesn’t seem like she was raised to be very accepting of differences. Hopefully moving to your area can change that!!
BTW I don’t think you were too harsh. You were real, and truthful. And I am glad you didn’t sugarcoat it. I wish people could be as direct as you!
My proudest moment as a a parent was shortly after I moved to a small southern town in North Carolina. I had been born and raised in Western New York State and raised my daughter there until she was close to 12 years old. The cultures and the way they are regarded in their respective communities in these two areas are quite different — really quite different… people seem to be more open “down here” about their views of race or any other minority group… you tend to know what is on their minds here — whereas, in the north — they hide it a bit more… but it is still there. But, I digress…
I told my daughter she could have a few friends over after school for a small birthday celebration… The bus dropped her and her friends off a little before I got home — I had gotten caught up in traffic coming home from work in the city. When I walked through my front door, I saw the most beautiful rainbow of kids sitting in the middle of my living room floor. I was so proud that in her new school, in a fairly closed-minded area, that MY kid seemed to be color and ethnicity and socioeconomically blind… It brought a smile to my face and warmth to my heart… You see, the town she (and i) was/were raised in was probably at less than a 3% diversity level… but I always did my best to display an open mind… and to love everyone for the good qualities in them… not on the outward factors we can’t control. (my daughter is 27 now — how in the heck did that happen??)
You were right in your analysis… she did not ask about the curriculum. (I find the people I confront tend to back peddle frantically also) Was it awkward with two opposing views trying to somehow connect? Hell yeah. It always is. I would have avoided answering the letter too — but considering you were pressured to answer it — you did well. You are always a righteous woman — I respect that! Rock on, Nerdy Apple Bottom…
Sincerely,
The female cop who comments to your postings now and again!
“I saw the most beautiful rainbow of kids sitting in the middle of my living room floor.” This statement warmed my heart. Thank you.
I don’t think you were too harsh. In fact, I think it’s great that you responded the way you did. I always lose my nerve when I’m confronted with an uncomfortable situation and I feel like I’ve left that person with the impression that it’s ok to say and do things that most would find inappropriate.
Funny, I grew up in the South and in schools that were very diverse - mostly because it was a military community. What I really found telling was how students acted for each teacher. The behavior of all students seemed to me to be based on how the teacher treated them. I started noticing this in elementary school when we would have different teachers but often the students would be the same in a class. (We changed classes for each subject starting in first grade.) If Teacher A acted as though a student was a problem and not capable of doing the work, then that student was a problem and not capable of doing the work for Teacher A, if Teacher B acted like that student was not a problem and was capable of doing the work than that student was not a problem and did the work.
I wonder if, when stranger was a teacher, she projected attitudes onto some students who then mirrored these attitudes back to her?
As an adult I spent a lot of time in my kids classrooms when they were in elementary school and noticed that this is still the way of the world. Until the past few years I used to tutor students who were considered at risk academically. I had to speak to the principal at one school where I volunteered because I was concerned that every student one teacher was sending me was a “minority.” (I hate that word, it makes it sound like members of a racial/ethnic group are below others.) The majority of these kids were not at risk, it was a case of the teacher expected them to perform poorly, so for her, they did. Even as young as first and second grade these kids had figured out to live down to her expectations. The principal understood my concerns when I had him observe some tutoring sessions and saw that for the most part these kids were on the right level or above level for their grade. They were shifted into other classrooms and their performance in those classes was considerably higher than in the previous class. He then took a look at the “majority” students and found that there were some that should have been seeing me for help, but, the teacher was letting them slide.
Attitude in a classroom from a teacher is everything.
I second this…if you picked up on her veiled language and attitudes you can be dead certain her students did as well. I am most appalled that she kept underlining the fact that she has these heinous opinions BECAUSE she was a teacher…some teacher…lets hope she doesn’t return to that career in your area!
Her initial email was appalling. I mean - wow. I would have also been floored to receive that in my inbox. I do think that I would have been a little more gentle in my own response to such a horrible email. I probably wouldn’t have said that she sounded bigoted and elitist, and probably wouldn’t have included that last paragraph - but I think I would have done my best to get the same points across without grabbing the bull by the horns.
That being said, I do not think your response was wrong at all. It was bold, and I completely agree with everything you said. Did you ever tell your cousin what her friend’s questions were?
Also - I read your response to my husband, a former teacher in a very mixed school district, and he wants to give you a high 5- thinks it was spot-on perfect. His reaction to her email was a lot harsher than what you ultimately wrote.
WOW… I was floored by her first email to you and thought your response was BANG ON. Well, well done.
Children are taught prejudice, and it is up to all of us to ensure that discrimination and assumptions like the ones she is making are not tolerated. Uncomfortable indeed, but utterly necessary.
“Mutual respect trumps tolerance every time.” Romeo Dallaire
I have, fortunately, lived through the pre-e-mail days, the early e-mail days, up through the current e-mail days. I need not mention Tweets and Facebook et al… I do not have enough fingers and toes to count the times that a seemingly innocent (to me) e-mail was misinterpreted, misread, misunderstood… The nuances of humanity disappear in the electronic environment. It’s like reading a dictionary - without any of the real-life experiences to go along with the words. The human nuance is lost.
So, while I generally agree with your interpretation, response, etc. - I feel that I must caution one to err on the side of “this may not be what I read into it”. Face to face, or voice to voice, may prove an entirely different “basis” for the thoughts and questions asked. That’s my two cents anyway - which are also subject to the e-word interpretation/understanding…
What she said was exactly what you pointed out, Minority percentages and SES. She didn’t ask about test scores or teaching philosphies, or parental involvement or anything like that. Perhaps you should point out to her that here are plenty of white students at the bottom of the SES barrel who are disruptive to their classrooms, despite their ethnic backgrounds as well.
Not only that, but in 2011 in our Melting Pot of a nation, do you really think you’re going to be able to “shelter your kids from diversity?” I think that’s a ridiculous notion. We’re all diverse just based on our personal backgrounds, regardless of skin color.
I wouldn’t let it get under your skin to be honest. She clearly lives in a bubble - a bubble in which there are 97% white people and 3% of some other mix of people who appear to be sub-par by her standards. She’s naive and ignorant. Perhaps don’t ignore her then, because those are the ones who seem to make the biggest waves over the smallest things at schools. Tell her the school is overrun with ticks or cockroaches something from all of the lower SES students (insert sarcasm here) and urge her to consider going elsewhere for her school of choice.
Stick to your guns!!!
I am often challenged in the perception of open mindedness is to be. We all base our judgments of life on experience. She obviously had a negative experience. It was a very vulnerable thing for her to present you with her fears. Being open minded, I believe, means extending grace to those people who are outside my comfort zone. She obviously is not prejudicial because she wants to make decisions upon logic and reason, not gut reaction. If she was prejudicial or bigoted, she would not have written you with such a humble attitude.
We have a few highschools in our area with high diversity. I wanted to pick the school where the diversity would be most like the real world. With kids who chose to make their life better. Those are the grounds upon which the decision was made. For those who are not around diversity, the media paints a very scary picture of what it is. If her only experience with diversity is working a high gang area, then yes, she would have reason for concern. Many of us do not know what that environment is like. I do. I went to a inner city highschool. It is distracting in class to not be able to go to the bathroom all day for fear of being jumped, for being white. It was a very real concern.
I love that you are asking. Your open mindedness is shining as you face your own concerns and perspectives. This is exactly why I follow you.
That’s the thing that struck me most about her original letter, though — and I was thinking it even before I came upon your note — she was NOT AT ALL humble. She kept reassuring NAB that *despite* the high minority population, her school was “still in the running” and she needed more information to verify that it was equal to the low-minority school she was considering. She did this a few times in the letter.
When I read the first email to you, I was shocked. I don’t think you were too harsh, at all! It was appalling. It is interesting that she becomes defensive (which is often the case when one feels foolish) and that she continues to posit that education and diversity cannot exist side-by-side, rather for one, you have to sacrifice the other. This is nonsense. And she did sound VERY elitist and racist/classist. Good for you, for standing up to her!
“Wow. That’s what I call dialogue. It would make me uncomfortable too, however we will never make any progress if we are not willing to try to engage.” (From Elizabeth May 31)
I agree with Elizabeth. In my own experience I have often said “You can tell me I am going straight to Hell, but as long as we are both talking and listening, we are both learning.” One of the benefits of debate is that difficult subjects are discussed from opposing points of view. Only by learning the arguments will we come to the answers.
I’m a mom of public school kids in Dallas. Your stranger’s emails offended me and you were right to call her out on it. Sadly, I can’t seem to convince some my immediate neighbors to choose our neighborhood public elementary school over a private school for the very same prejudices. I can’t even convince them to choose Dallas ISD Magnet schools over private schools. I don’t get it it. Dallas has the number one and number two public high schools in AMERICA. Those diverse minority low-SES kids end up at Harvard and MIT on full scholarships. You bet I want my kids to be friends with them.
Gah. Prejudice makes me angry. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I think it’s always hard to tell someone’s intentions from an email. There are things we, as a society, tend to avoid talking about, just in case we might offend someone, and the result, often, is that we then lack the vocabulary to create meaningful dialog. So in fumbling around for a polite way to ask or say something that is not talked about in ‘polite’ society, we do end up offending, no matter what we say. Or worse, we keep our mouths shut and prolong the silence. Sometimes, I think society needs to be less polite and more honest. That can only happen one person at a time, and asking questions, answering them honestly and without judgement, those are the first steps. Maybe some day, these are things we can just live and not have to talk them to death. Here’s hopin’
Your response was far more articulate than her questions to you. I like the way you addressed the underlying assumptions about her sugar coated questions. I suspect that you may have jolted her into glimpsing a whole new reality and personal introspection. At least I hope so, or else there is no hope for her or her kids.
The whole tone of her letter seemed ludicrous to me. I’m sure that the movers and shakers of the world did not come from hand-wringing parents who agonized over every aspect of their children’s safety. Can you imagine the parents of Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Donald Trump (shudder), Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, Madelein Albright, or ANY successful person engaging in such moronic concerns?
Once again, you took the high road with dignity.
As a southerner, who, is admittedly very liberal and definitely NOT racist, while I disagree with her questions or the way she asked them, I can understand why they were asked. Here in the south, at least in the area I live in, there is still a lot of “hidden” prejudice, and the “good ol’ boy” way of doing things - societal norms that tend to continue to oppress minority groups. As such, in my area at least, the lowest-performing schools, and the areas with lowest SES, and highest crime rates *do* tend to be primarily minority groups, and members of those groups tend to be dismissed more quickly and judged more harshly than whites. As such, I see daily the assumption that minority races are automatically associated with the aforementioned traits, even though of course the only way race has anything to do with it, is what is forced upon them by the privileged majority.
You were very good with your responses, I would have been much harsher and would probably have lost my patience…
I would have reacted the same way. It IS offensive to me. It would make me very angry that someone would still feel that way about a school. Keeping your kids out of a diverse background seems to make them wholly unprepared for the real world and that’s offensive, in and of itself.
Sorry, haven’t read the other comments. My only comment, suggestion, advice is SToP eMAILIng wITh heR! Anything else is better. Here’s a food rule, the more delicate the topic, the more direct the communication. In person is better than on the phone is better than email.
First, I want to be you. Not really, I’m pretty happy with who I am, but I am really struggling with a situation with a situation that requires some really brave honesty and I am struggling with my own fears of what/how/gah! I do …
Second, the next time I want real feedback, I want you to be the person that supplies it. Holy cow, that was about as honest as one can hope for and I often feel like when I ask for the truth from someone I only get 1/2 of what I deserve …
I guess what I am saying is that your stranger asked for an honest answer, asked knowing that you would give her the goods and … well … you gave her the goods. I really hope she takes what you say to heart and is extremely pleased with what she encounters.
signed,
your biggest fan (aka one of so many)
Wow. That’s what I call dialogue. It would make me uncomfortable too, however we will never make any progress if we are not willing to try to engage.
I live in Wyoming, and we have VERY LOW diversity. Nonetheless, i am appalled that anyone would consider “diversity” (which really sounds like a nice way of saying “race” ) when considering a school for their child.
Test score, teachers, bullying policies, safety, yes, yes, yes. Diversity? Only if looking to INCREASE it. I feel sorry for her kids. She tries to explain in a very polite way, but her words indicate her true feelings. It is always surprising when someone who is purported to be intelligent acts so ignorantly.
I thought your letter back was as polite as possible when being faced with that kind of questioning.
I kind of hope she chooses your district so her kids won’t end up with the same thought process.
http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com
I think Stranger is indeed asking from what she knows based on her cultutally limited history. Sadly her terminology is ill defined and her approach, while forthright is somewhat abrasive and coarse. That she is willing to seek out and incorporate feedback speaks more about her than the content of the e-mails. I believe her goals are worthy but her concerns poorly worded. They may be very genuine and not totally lacking in validity in school systems that are unwilling to put education and equality above parental placating and fear of controversy. Hopefully she will choose a school that will edcuate her children in both academic lessons and social justice, as that experience will allow her to begin trusting in true human values that will transcend the fears her social history has fostered. Respect is earned over time and often through discord. I think this is just chapter one ….
Wow. I thought it was a very diplomatic way to be very direct about addressing her very offensive — yet, as she clearly thought, relatively “enlightened” — views on “diversity.” I am surprised you didn’t go further into breaking down her points; that she assumed that, because of skin color, the students were of a different SES than the white kids.
This happens around here a lot too. I wonder if it’s because you’re also from SoCal that you’re as shocked as I am when we encounter this blase pride some people feel to be so free with their prejudices. “I’m not racist, I’m just telling you what I know.” I’m “just being honest with you” because you’re a white person like me, so surely you understand.
It drives me crazy. I’m glad you responded that way. It’s going to make me step up and respond that way more often.
I think you were right on the money .. irrespective of how much either of us have! I do think that there is definitely a need for open discussion but I don’t believe the original e-mail was worded in such a way as to start an open discussion. I read it just as you did and thought it was over the top. Your reply wasn’t harsh, it was firm … but I am someone who often gets accused of being harsh or cold so maybe I’m not the right person to offer an objective opinion on that. :)
Keep it up, I always look forward to your posts.
After reading and rereading all the mails here I began to wonder about my responses to different people too.I noticed that you answered the issues raised as they were (how could you do anything else with no other information) and I also noted you were very diplomatic in your reply.
This is the only way to do this in my opinion.
Silence can be the worst aspect of any reply.It leaves so many things unsaid and unaddressed and this can lead to misunderstanding.
Keep on being you.
Oh, and I meant to mention that I chuckle when parents pat themselves on the back for putting their kids in a diverse environment. My kids, by the virtue of their India -born father, are LIVING in a diverse environment, but my husband and I still have a responsibility to TALK to them about the differences in folks - be it skin color or socio-economics.
White people need to quit being pansies about the topic and need to just start TALKING.
AMEN to that!