Boo is attending a new school. Though it was really a hard decision. On one hand, I adored his teachers. And so did he. They are two of the most amazing women especially with children. On the other hand, it was tied to the church that had treated us in a way I found completely unjust. So after much discussion, the Detective and I decided we couldn’t in good conscience keep Boo in that school. If I didn’t feel comfortable being there, how could I send my child there? So we found another school. And Boo wasn’t happy. He didn’t want to change schools. He didn’t want to leave his teachers. He didn’t want to leave his best friends. We kept him out for a week and a half. He was able to spend some alone time with me (a hot commodity in a family with 3 shorties) and thankfully, fortunately, by the end of that time he was asking to go to his new school.
I officially resigned from the moms’ group that I was coordinator of and revoked our membership from the church. I am without religion. For now at least. Though I am not without faith. I have faith in so many things. You, me, my family, goodness, happiness, kindness. I have faith in those things. Though not church or religion. Not right now. Maybe sometime.
I think Boo is having an easier time adjusting than I am. He is going on different days which throws me off a bit, but mostly I miss my friends. I miss hanging out at drop off or grabbing a coffee or going to one of our houses. I miss watching my son play with his friends. I miss his teachers. I miss my mama friends. I miss the ease with which we could just be together. I miss the way things were.
But I do not regret any of it. I do not doubt myself or my family. I do not have second thoughts.
I realize that some will say this situation was self-inflicted, that I brought it upon us by writing what I wrote. And I agree, partially.I do not believe that we should remain silent about things we find objectionable. Especially big things. Like bullying. I don’t think we have to wait until the bullying gets so bad that it is too late. I don’t believe we wait until someone is emotionally broken or physically wounded, or thinking there is no way out, no help.
I do not believe that anyone should remain silent simply to not rock the boat. The boat is meant to be rocked sometimes. That is how things change, how things become different, how they become better.
Should I have forbidden Boo from being what he wanted to be for Halloween? No.
Should I have smiled and said nothing when people made rude, disapproving comments? No.
Should I have allowed the church to do what it did without making my voice heard? No.
I don’t believe it is ok to stand idly by, and I hope I am teaching my shorties the same thing. There has been much talk about the three groups of people; bullies, victims, and bystanders. I propose a fourth group; those that stand up. Those that allow their voices to be heard, that give a voice to the victims. Those that will take a chance to stop the bullies. Those that will stand up for and stand by the victims. Those that will motivate the bystanders to not stand idly by.Those that will say enough is enough.
I hope that I am in that fourth group.
And I hope that you are too.
Thank you for doing what you think is right. I admonished a man today in his own yard for yelling at his two children, belligerently. I’ve been listening to him on and off for over a year be loud, abusive and hateful. I wish he knew another way to communicate but I don’t think he does.
I stand with you in the fourth group.
thank you for doing right by your children (and the world)! I’m sorry it’s been so hard and I hope you find a good community soon. I had to leave the church and religious groups I grew up with (my dad was a pastor) and found it quite painful to be without that community. I don’t regret my choices in the least but it was not easy. You’ll find a church (if you’d like to) and more community in time.
be well
I’ve often told my children that usually in life there are two ways to go - the easy way or the right way. You should be proud that you’ve chosen the right way. Best of luck to you and yours.
You are awesome for standing your ground and doing what is best for your son. People just really have no right to pass judgment. I think you saw their true colors and they were not so pretty. Some times the best path is not always the easiest and this is a true example of that.
Best,
Joanne
Somehow I’d missed this. Sorry it came to this, but I am not surprised. The Church has lost another good person.
Wow, here I was kind of regretting that I was so hard via Twitter on Ash Wednesday and organized religion today (recovering Catholic here). Then, out of the blue, I thought of “the” post, and just looked it up to see what was what. Imagine my surprise, then my LACK of surprise, that the church screwed with you on this, including not-so-subtle threats. Ridiculous.
Welcome to the land of No Religion. Have all the Faith you like. For Skeptics like we, we call it “Accommodation,” and people of Faith are warmly welcomed. Be well, and be happy. Love your family, do good works, and just take it day by day.
Religion is just a form of control and ultimately slavery. The Bronze Age belief in a god serves no purpose at this point in human evolution and should be abandoned.
When I was young I was both the bullied and the voice but speaking up didn’t change my situation it just helped me to hold onto myself. When I was 15 I asked my mom to let me leave home so I could change schools, we lived in the country so there were no other schools in my area for me. She cried at first but then she said yes and we figured out how to make it happen.
That was probably one of the hardest and best parenting decisions she had to make. I just want to say thank you for being a parent who truly stands by and stands up for not only her own kids but for all parents and kids struggling with bullying.
Just another step towards making the world a better place.
I also wanted to mention that there is some great stuff online for Christians struggling with churches who are not accepting to the LGBT community. The one that I follow is Nathan Albert: http://naytinalbert.blogspot.com/
Good, for all of you.
Deciding to leave a church home is a tough move - I can only encourage you to keep looking. Sometimes a church leader represents himself/herself as “the church” when really they are just “a person.”
As for your friends - keep offering to meet for coffee, playground play dates, etc. Who knows - maybe they think they are giving you room to breath?
Good luck and keep on parenting!
I think you did the best possible thing for your son and for your family by taking Boo to a new school. Your church did not support you, and they certainly don’t deserve your (financial or otherwise) support. Hang in there! This all happened for a reason. I know your faith is shaken, but I’m sure once you find the right place for your family, it will return. I, too, found the church of my upbringing to be very hypocritical, and aside from the occasional wedding or funeral, have not stepped foot in that building. For what it’s worth, I found great acceptance and understanding and non-judgment at a Unitarian church. Unfortunately, I haven’t attended a service there for some time as I have a family commitment out of town every Sunday, but it felt like home.
Keep your chin up! Every parent should be as good as you.
My family also had a bullying experience several years ago that involved church leaders and the self-righteous, and I wish I had handled it more directly as you did. I think you made all the right decisions.
I’m really glad to hear that Boo is attending a new school. Even with great teachers and a few good friends, I’d be concerned that the attitudes of others would change who he can be -
Stay strong!
JESUS rocked the boat.
I definitely think you did the right thing!
Congratulations for being strong enough, brave enough and tough enough to stand up for yourself, and for your family, and do what you needed to do, even if it was hard.
You should be very proud!
I don’t really know you but I adore you through this blog. And I’m praying for you.
I just found my religion again. It’s good. There was a big piece of me missing while I was without it. I’m praying you find what you need soon. And that you keep on being an awesome mom.
I think you are wonderful for being so strong and steadfast in your position. I can tell you are a great mom who truly loves her family. All the best to you and yours. Keep on keeping on! :)
“You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” GREAT post. As usual. I like your fourth group. I just think it sucks that we have to have it at all.
I’m sure things are tough right now, but I also think you know you did the right thing. YOU didn’t do anything wrong. Boo DEFINITELY didn’t do anything wrong.
Just because you don’t go to the same school doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends with the people you want to be friends with. It just might take a little more work. But if they’re you’re true friends, they’ll be willing to work with you.
I’m sorry things are rough right now. I do hope they get better sooner, rather than later.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Mich
If Boo upset people by wearing a girl costume to a preschool party, what would be the reaction to an actual soul searching gay teen or pre-teen? You did more than just stick up for your child, you discovered that your church pastor and elders harbor an attitude that you would not want to promote or teach your children. You and your husband are showing the highest moral fiber by living what you believe. My son loved wearing my high heels and playing dress up. He played with barbie dolls and was gentle, kind, and funny. He is now a 25 yr old heterosexual that is kind, thoughtful, and funny. Boo probably will be too, but either way, he will be loved and accepted. It may not have been your intention, but when you took a stand, but it was for more than your Boo. I am grateful for people like you and your husband..it gives me hope for the world.
my mom stood up to people bullying her kids (adult people) and i learned an early lesson - that fourth group is the “cool” one. i’d like to say i’ve always been a member of that group myself, but sometimes i’ve been a victim, and sometimes i’ve been a bystander. but i’ve TRIED to stand up, sometimes with success.
my point? you’re teaching boo an incredibly important lesson. good for you, good for him, and good for society (in rather different ways).
Your son is gorgeous, and how silly of your church to come down on you like this. No wonder more and more people in the world are becoming secular. Finding new social friends is hard, but you will find them.
Good luck.
[...] Within three weeks, Boo was withdrawn from the school and his family was churchless. Boo’s mom said in her final post on the issue that, she was “without religion. For now at least. Though I am not without faith. I have faith in so many things… [...]
A solid spiritual foundation is built from the bricks others throw at you.
:-)
Thank you… I just needed to say it. As I read your blog this morning something deep within me stirred. My heart cried out and my soul uplifted. I am proud to belong in the 4th group, and I too have faith in me and you, and Boo! Thank you for your voice and reason - I hope more hear what you have to say. Your courage, strength and wisdom sing through every typed word.
I think that it was a very hard decision to take but it will be for the best for you and for your family.
You are so brave to fight like this and it’s very nice to see someone like you fight against bullying. Thanks and take care.
You are the best teacher your children wil ever have. You are teaching them that is is not ok to mean, that sometimes it is hard to do the right thing, and that you love them more than anything. I hope I can be half the parent you are.
[...] Within three weeks, Boo was withdrawn from the school and his family was churchless. Boo’s mom said in her final post on the issue that, she was “without religion. For now at least. Though I am not without faith. I have faith in so many things… [...]
Once again…good for you! Your kids are lucky to have you as a parent.
I’m proudly a member of the 4th group.
I was about to say, what a tough decision, but it wasn’t. Because you are clear about what matters. Good for you. But, changing schools is tough. Especially for the mamas who no longer have their community. I know. Four schools in three years. Every time, my girl did great, but I felt I was floundering.
The best thing we can teach our kids is how to stand up for what’s right. And the way to do it is to stand up for them and with them.
Bravo. You stood up and took a stand. I applaud you.
You have done right by your son, and your family. Speaking up when wronged is a good lesson to teach. Stand by your faith and it will bring you comfort and help you through feeling alone and ‘missing’ your mommy friends. You will find a new place to attend and it will be a very good thing for you and your family. Remember though, it was not the church that did those things to you and your family, it was the people within the church. The church itself is innocent, it was the will of the people and not God’s will at work.
Definately in the 4th group and very proactive against all forms of bullying.
“It Gets Better:The Book” now available for pre-order.
Gift “It Gets Better:The Book” & help get this book into High School librairies.
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/blog/entry/lets-get-the-it-gets-better-book-in-every-high-school-in-america/
You know you did the right thing!
What you also did was showed your child by your example that standing up for what is right is difficult and can be painful, because there can be many losses when you speak up. BUT, he also knows that it is ok to say, “No, you cannot treat me like this anymore. It is wrong and I won’t put up with it!”
I believe that we condone bullying behaviour if we are silent about it, so I’m standing in line to cheer for you and for your family for making this decision!! Yay, you! “\♥/”
I read a few weeks ago that religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, and spirituaity is for people who have already been there and survived. I truly believe that you can be churchless and that does not make you faithless! Sometimes, as in this instance, churchless is a good thing!
It’s often difficult when we put down the handful of weevilly peanuts and walk towards the 3 course dinner. Walking with empty hands can be a little scary, but there will be better and better to fill your hands before long…
I love reading about wise people making tough decisions and finding out that it is right, after all. That’s why I love reading your blog!
Take good care, hug your little ones and make sure they know that you love them more than you have words to tell them.
Ciao,
Bren
xoxo
You did the right thing by standing up for your son, and your family, and for others who may not be able to stand up for themselves.
You did what you had to do for your family you should never regret that. Reading your post reminded me of a quote from Taylor Swift’s CD Speak Now, she said “There is a time for silence. There is a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it.”
This was your time to help make a change no matter how small or big it is. Bullying is never ok no matter who is the bully and who is the victim. You may not have been able to change the views of Moms ABC or The Pastor, but you did show your kids how people should not be treated and if they are treated in the wrong way what they should do in turn. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to speak up and in turn not only have you given your children that courage, but you have also given many of the people that read your blog that same courage to help make a difference.
Much love from me (= <3 Thanks.
Again, brava. I’m sorry you had to make that choice, but you made the best choice for your family, and again, I’m impressed with your fortitude, swimming against such a strong current. Even when you know you are 100% in the right is no easy thing. And brava for the examples you are setting for your children.
I’m sorry you lost friends. I most sincerely hope your former church is rocked by the consequences, and it takes this opportunity to see where it failed you, boo, and itself, and learn from it. I hope at least some of those you miss will make a point to find time to spend with you, even if it’s not quite the same.
I hope you find (or forge) a new community that nurtures your spirit, your faith, and your family.
Very much watching your journey as I’ve been in the ‘victim’ group (was excommunicated from my evangelical church for being a lesbian) but now count myself very much a part of the fourth group. You did and are doing the right thing! It’s lonely sometimes, but well worth it for your soul. Let me know how you rediscover your ‘religion’ and how your faith fairs along the way!
You are a brave woman and a wonderful mother. I’ve been following your blog and have posted about your story on my own blog a few times: http://marie-everydaymiracle.blogspot.com/2011/02/you-give-christians-bad-name.html. Thanks for being an inspiration to the rest of us!!
Glad Boo is doing okay, and I hope you can find a church home that you like. If you would ever like to visit a church for communion, all United Methodist churches have open communion. You’d be welcome.
I put myself in that fourth group via my own blog, which in turn put me in a homeschool group, partly because of the school admin reaction to my public airing of our bullying experiences. It does all even out and homeschooling has turned out to be the BEST thing for my son. We wish we had done it years ago and avoided years of teasing.
If the church is judging you and your actions isn’t that a sin? Isn’t is only God’s right to judge others? I am sorry but I am not a religious person because of the hypocrisy, it drives me insane. Spiritual, yes, I appreciate everything on this earth given to me by what or whomever. I do not have children, I have however been bullied and stood up for myself and what I believe in and I applaud you and your family for doing the same. Keep your heads up, those people are not worth any headaches they may have caused you.
I am so proud of what you did. I am so proud of Boo. I am so impressed with your strength and your character. You are teaching all three of your children so much more than they could gather in a classroom. You are teaching them how to have courage, how to have strong characters, how to be honest and live with honor and truth.
I’m in.
I think you did right, and this will all even out for you, and your children will have the excellence of your example to look up to.
YAY!
It sounds like it will start out a bit rough for you. But dont worry. You did the right thing, and even though you and Boo lost a good couple of friends and teachers you gained a lot of people who are avid followers and behind you for support!
Kai