My rebuttals:
1. I did not write any part of this looking to garner attention. I have blogged for years, and a few friends read it. I had never had more than a handful of comments on any previous post. I am just as shocked as you are that this went viral. If I could have predicted this would go viral, I would also have advertising on my blog and possibly a high paying job at an ad agency.
2. I did not write any part of it for ‘shock value,’ ‘tweetability,’ or any other reason. I wrote it from my heart. In about 10 minutes. With my shorties running around. There was no preconceived thought as far as publicity.
3. I have a sense of humor. I did not lose it when I gave birth. I hope to never lose it. If you go back and read previous posts, please keep in mind that I am sarcastic. And can make fun of myself. Oh, and to be clear, all names are pseudonyms. I find it a little strange that is an issue, but ok. Glad we cleared that up.
4. I did not ‘out’ my son. Read the post please before accusing me of things.
5. I did not ‘exploit’ my son. I have a feeling if he’d been in a ninja costume, I wouldn’t have been accused of exploitation. If you see shame in that photo, that is in your perception. Not mine. Nor millions of others. And thousands of parents, maybe millions have pics of their children posted online. It is not exploitation.
6. I did not ruin Boo’s life. This is now woven into my family’s history. This will not be hidden or kept secret. I am proud of him. Just as I am proud of all my children and the Detective. He will hear this story for the rest of his life. And be totally bored with it by the time he’s 8. And if someone brings it up 10 years from now, it will be because a mean parent held onto it for a decade. And that’s a problem in and of itself.
7. I did not stop parenting that day. Boo will be raised to not bully, to be who he is, to be kind, to be able to handle himself in all kinds of situations. He is a strong child. He will be a strong adult.
8. The Detective is alive and kicking. And in the picture. And completely supportive of Boo, his other children, and me. He is a kickass father. And if he’s not working overtime, he’s here at home parenting along with me. And what sort of preconceived notions are out there about single mothers? That freaks me out a bit too.
9. I did not ‘force’ Boo to go into the preschool when he had reservations. I knelt in front of him, asked him if this was what he wanted to do, and when he answered yes, I told him we’d walk in together. And we walked in, hands held, heads high. There was no coercion. I didn’t diminish his worries. I also didn’t blow them out of proportion. When a child gets worried on the way to the doctor’s office, you don’t turn around and go home. You talk about it. You work through it. You parent.
10. I did not ‘use’ my son to push an agenda. I have no agenda. Ok, that is not entirely true, but it looks more like a cluttered family calendar with meetings and book clubs and practices.
11. I do not hate Moms ABC. I do not harbor ill will on them. Those moments should not define their lives, just as their words shouldn’t define Boo’s.
12. I do not hate Christians or Christian schools. My Boo’s teachers are some of the most amazing women I have known. His school director is incredible.
13. I didn’t edit comments, including negative. At first, I was having to moderate comments which took a while. Then I switched to letting them all go through. WordPress uses a spam filter called Akismet. It weeded out ones that may have been spam. I went through and approved all that weren’t obviously spam. So if it was typed, it should be up there somewhere.
14. I haven’t read all the comments. Or the emails. I’m working on it, but it may take a while. Ya’ll had a lot to say. But I’m still, you know, parenting, so I have other things to be doing.
15. I do not accept the analogy of letting Boo wear a costume on Halloween with not having any rules/boundaries. My friend, Clean Freak, has commented to me that I am stricter than a lot of other moms she knows. We use manners. We have schedules. We have timeouts. The Detective and I have rules and boundaries for our family. But we don’t dictate personality. That is not our job.
16. I am disheartened by some of the comments that are calling my son names. That is very small.
17. I am intolerant of bullying and the cycle of bullying. And children learn at home and at school. I don’t want me children to be bullied or to be bullies. I will do what I can in my small corner of the world to stop that cycle when I can.
18. I am not naive. Nor am I stupid, a bad mother, a child abuser, media whore, man-hater, etc. I am a mom. And I am doing the best I can for those I can. You may choose to disagree, but I promise you my children know they are loved and supported. And they know I will stand up for them or stand by them. Whatever they need.
19. As far as I can tell, a lot of the negative has been based on assumptions. People assume I made Boo walk in there. People assume I planned on this going viral. People assume the Detective isn’t around or is embarrassed. People assume a lot of things. And you know what they say about that… However, I haven’t been able to find any emails asking me for clarification. Or to expand upon anything. So please, if you have a question, ask me before you answer for me.
20. And lastly, I am awed and amazed and touched and verklempt that this has all happened. I am almost at a loss for words. ;) Really though I cannot ever express in any sort of eloquent way how much the support has meant to me. It really kept me going these last couple of weeks.
Thank you again.
Good for you! My kids dress up in play clothes all of the time - my son and daughter both love to put on my noisy high heeled shoes, and, my son loves to wear his sister’s play jewellery or her princess costumes. I think that your parenting philosophy is terrific and I parent in a similar way. I am dismayed at the reaction of the others “moms” and your pastor.
I think you are great. Will definitely come back and read your blog from time to time :)
[...] on Peacemaking, underscoring the fact that I needed to apologize. I disagreed. I reminded him that the only mention of ABC I have made since that Halloween post was saying that I didn’t harbor ill will towards them and [...]
good for you on every point. I wish more moms and people were like you and I am one mom who is trying to raise my kids pretty much the same way that you are.
[...] on Peacemaking, underscoring the fact that I needed to apologize. I disagreed. I reminded him that the only mention of ABC I have made since that Halloween post was saying that I didn’t harbor ill will towards them and [...]
I wish more mothers (and fathers… people in general) were like you in these situations! Not only are we supposed to be accepting as Christians, but we should be about to respect others choices as Americans. We have every right to do what we want, and no one should dictate what is right for your kids but yourself!
Also, I remember whenever my best friend and I would play dress up, her little brother (who was about 4 at the time) always asked to play with us, he’d wear this yellow dress that was my friend’s a long time ago. He’s now a preteen, and he loves making Star Wars guns, lightsabers, etc. I guess my point is, that your son wanting to be Daphne shouldn’t be taken so seriously. Kids want to have fun, so we should let them. And not get preoccupied by the things others might say.
*able, not about.
Wow, it saddens me that people - presumably adults - would resort to name-calling and vitriol, especially on a post concerning a 5 year old child.
If that is how they behave, I dread to think how they parent their children.
You’re doing a great job, you’re the kind of mum I aspire to be :)
Cops Wife,
I was directed to your Daphne post from my local news website (http://apps.detnews.com/apps/blogs/askthepediatrician/index.php, Nov.14 post). I have read only your rant and your rebuttal. I have not read comments from either, because I know we live in a nation full of ignorance and malice.
I know you may not feel extraordinary, but the way you handled this situation, at least in what you’ve blogged, is a testament to how an ordinary person can stand out when they stand tall. Don’t change a thing.
You’ve earned a permanent spot in my bookmarks. You may or may not read this, but I think I can appreciate a person who can speak his/her mind in order to be more true to him/herself, and still wear his/her sarcasm hat with style, more than your average bear, so I’m posting it anyway. Have a super, duper day.
What Rosemary said. You rock. The world is a better place because of you, how you parent, and how you write.
Hi. I believe if more americans will think the way you do then this country will have a lot less problems…
Congrats!
I thought it was adorable. I don’t want to know anyone who thinks it was a bad thing, because all they are is idiotic and insecure.
Like Jana, above, I hope that I can emulate many of your parenting tendencies when I become a mom too. At the top of the list are acceptance, courage and (perhaps most importantly right now) conviction. I think that’s a tough thing to have when everyone is so ready to criticize everyone else’s parenting.
I’d also like to compliment you on your use of the word verklempt! Not a word you see thrown around every day!
You rock and Boo rocks. And it’s great to hear from the Real America (which, unfortunately, includes a few intolerant and too vocal adult-children whose moms weren’t nearly as awesome as you.
You are my new hero and I want to know this — where can I get a Boo’s Mom costume for Halloween next year? And will it include an orange wig?
You are a wonderful and loving mother. I wish my mother cared and supported me half as much! You are a great role model for mother and fathers everywhere.
“7. I did not stop parenting that day. Boo will be raised to not bully, to be who he is, to be kind, to be able to handle himself in all kinds of situations. He is a strong child. He will be a strong adult.”
Fantastic!!!!!! I am a bit late on coming across this and my first thought was, cool, he chose and you as parents were awesome to let him dress up as he chooses. I do the same and I growing up there was always some boy or another that dressed up as a girl for Halloween, it is fun and why not. Aside from that does it matter, no not really, he is a happy healthy boy and I agree he will be a strong adult with awesome parents like you.
I wish you well and wish I was better at putting into words how great it is to see parents trusting their children. I find it interesting that this is the big hype when we have children harming one another and parents harming children, teens having babies and boy I could go on and on and this is what gets everyone all riled up, kind of funny isn’t it?
Again kudos to you and your husband more parents like you who just genuinely love their children for who they are and nurture and support them as they grow up are what are needed in this world.
Very inspiring =)
Very nice post! You write really well.
Vanessa Rima
http://www.fashionissima.com
Two of my nephews loved wearing mine or their mother’s skirts. I always gave them a choice to wear whatever they liked. At some point it came down to “sparkle skirt? or big boy shorts?” Which I found delightful bc freedom & creativity without judgment is a gift we recieve from children.
There’s no need for folks to be sexist. Dump truck toys are just as fun as Dolls & neither should be forced into a male/female connotation. It’s just fun.
Nowadays, one of my skirt-lovin’ nephews only prefers carefully pressed private investigator pants (he’s 9) & the other prefers no clothes at all (he’s 6).
Love to you & yours!
A little story from Germany:
14 years ago (when I was 7 yo) I went to my elementary school’s rhenish carnival party dressed in my sisters Dirndl (an original austrian piece, very beautiful and classy) and pushing a buggy with her doll. Nobody had anything bad to say about my costume. Neither then to me nor later to my parents. And a lot of people saw me that day as I walked to school with my younger sister. Some of the people on the streets first thought I was simply a girl dressed up as a mother but every time somebody took a closer look and realised that I was a boy I got a compliment.
Next year my sister went dressed in my first communion suit and the panama I got in Italy. She also took her violin case with her. Voila: Cute little female mafioso.
Neither my sister, nor I have been caused any damage due to these costumes. In fact we both enjoyed the costumes and the attention and will always have fond memories of these outstanding costumes.
One day this will be possible all over the world and you will have had a part in making it become true.
You know what inspires me? A mom who stood up for what was right in the face of so much hatred, cruelty and mockery. The voice you so expertly wield to parry those who would bring you down, is the mark of a genuine heroine. You’re one of the strongest people I don’t know. Love must abound in your house. Amazing.
I love you for being such a wonderful mother.
Your kid is lucky to have you !
I wish other mother learn from you and we see a better generation following us.
Hugs and thank you.
I’m sorry you have had to deal with the negative people who think they are better than you or who need to knock others down to feel better about themselves. They are insecure and insensitive. You, on the other hand, are amazing, secure, sensitive and did I mention amazing? You go, girl! You, Boo, the Detective, your whole family - you all rock. Keep up the great parenting!
Absolutely no need for a rebuttal - but this is a great one. Good for you.
First, I’d like to apologize, I think, for being one of those excited bloggers who helped your post go viral and for any trouble that ended up causing you and your family. I just saw the CNN interview and am shocked to say the least that you’ve gotten this much attention. I hope you all are alright.
Second, as a lesbian, a mother and simply as a human being on this planet I would love to give you a big hug! Thank you. Thank you for loving your kids no matter what. Thank you for sticking up for your son and for encouraging him to be himself. Thank you for not being afraid to speak up. Thank you so much for standing your ground in that joke of an interview and in the midst of any negative comments, email or whatever you may be dealing with. You’re an inspiration and I appreciate you.
I wish you and your family all of the best.
Found your blog from Rosie O’Donnell’s blog. I think you are beyond amazing! I have an 8 yr old son. he is free to be who he wants to be. Sending you love and a big hug! you ROCK!!!
As a teacher, I see many people passing around their judgements and that their ideology. With many of them thinking that their opinions exemplify the only way this world should be. I love that you are speaking out, hopefully giving people thoughts to reconsider the norm and that it is ok to be different.
I have children and an ex that is gay. He is still one of my best friends and a wonderful person. Many people are mean and disrespectful off those who are different. Keep your voice out there to break that bullying pattern. It takes one pebble to create a ripple and obviously your voice has struck a cord of need with many.
Thank you. You are truly blessed with your family and they are blessed to have you.
I wonder if you know how awesome of a person you are? :) <3
You just keep doing what youre doing. I have 3 sons under the age of 8 and my husband is also an officer. My oldest son plays the trumpet and has been in karate for 5 years. Hes won multiple karate tourneys. He also dances. Very well, in fact. Our family took a little heat when he told us he wanted to dance. He started out as the only boy. 3 years later there is 8 boys in his class and he rocks our socks in ballet, hip hop and sparring in karate. Just be supportive. No need to defend yourself. Hes YOUR son.
I admire YOU. You, the Detective, your parenting, your composure, you are all awesome!
1. You rock.
2. Boo rocks.
3. Detective rocks.
4. You all rock.
Thank you again for another elegant, eloquent posting. Like you, I’m surprised folks out there had something, anything at all negative to say. It seems to have come from all angles, too. Wow - if only that kind of energy was put towards all the blatant wrongs out there.
Thank you as well for being patient and understanding. These are certain treasure at any time; even more so now.
Tattoo’d on my arms are “liberty, equity, peace and happiness” and “strength and grace,” reminders of how best to move about a world full of others, our world. Thank you for reminding me how these can be lived and lived well.
You rock. I’m so glad you wrote your piece, for all of your right reasons, not the least of which is to get it out and over with.
And I am certain that your piece was not preconceived as a traffic catcher, but rather from your heart, because it wouldn’t have been an eighth as good if you were trying for anything other than pure self expression.
I am a new follower so … Write on!
You are a fantastic mother! I am a 25 year old gay man who can relate to your son when I was his age. I wish my mother was like you. My relationship with her now is hard since she is not accepting. My father who is a police officer and military man is more accepting than her! Thank you for sharing this part of your life, I shared it on my facebook and it was well received and inspired many others. Keep on being a great mother!
I’m not a mom yet, but I hoe when I am, I am a mom like you! :)
*hope
1-20 co-signed!
love it, keeo your head high! i am positive your children will turn out fantastic adults!
What the name-callers, assumers, and general naysayers don’t realize is that their comments? Say volumes about themselves and their pre/mis-conceptions and absolutely f*ck all about you and your family.
Just wanted to say thank you for the original post and the heart-work that has followed. As a new mom through adoption (want assumptions? I am a single, White, lesbian mother of a Black/possibly bi-racial son), I often ask myself the “what would I do if…” questions and your blog has provided me with so much valuable guidance. You are an amazing mother/person. Many people can and should learn from you. So if my son ever wants to be Thelma, Fred, Shaggy or even Scooby, I won’t hesitate to go out and buy the costume.
You didn’t have to reply to all those people who talked you down. You had no reason to feel you had to. The fact that you did shows how brave and strong you are, and also how much you care.
I’m a 24 year old English teacher from the UK and I can tell you know, I wish my class kids had parents as great as you, because I see some damned awful, messed up lives going on, and the kids involved could be so much if they just had the love and support that you obviously show your kids. I think you’re an inspiration, and I hope you always keep just doing what you do; loving, and accepting the love your kids give back.
OK, I’ll stop with the emotional outpouring now.
I think you SHOULD make money from your blog. Notwithstanding “the post” your writing is entertaining and really good.
In case you’re wondering:
Ways to make money: Put up some Google adsense, make all your book and movie likes into links to your own amazon.com affiliate id and do that with any product you like that has a program.
Keep writing, you’re really great!
I love your style (parenting and writing)! That’s too bad that not everyone “got” your original post. IF they did, you probably wouldn’t need the follow-up. My favorite line ever(from this post and Re: parenting):
But we don’t dictate personality. That is not our job.
I’m with the others above on this, its sad that you have to “justify” yourself. Your son is a lucky boy you keep on doing what you are doing. The world needs more people like you out there, and less of those who fail to see out of their own, closeted and unfulfilled lives.
Somehow, I just came across all of this today. I don’t know how long it has been going on, but there is no reason for you to apologize for anything. You’ve done nothing wrong. Sooooo many people have blogs, and they ALL write about their children, their friends, and their enemies. So many people do that these days, and yet, some people are still so closed minded that they feel like one thing that is written is OK (if they agree with it), and another (that they don’t agree with) isn’t.
I’m tired of hypocrites, I’m tired of judgment, and I’m tired of people who have nothing better to do than obsessive over something someone else posted.
I say good for you, don’t apologize, don’t take anything personal, and go on being and awesome woman and mother =)
It sucks that you have to reiterate this for some people, but it’s a good message to have up.
I know several moms who consider you an awesome mom and a hero for supporting and encouraging your son, loving him regardless of his choices, and acknowledging that really - he’s just a wee thing yet. This isn’t an issue of sex or gender. This is a story about you, a good parent.
Good for you. It makes me happy to know there are people like you and your family in the world. <3
You, your son, and your whole family sound awesome, and I wish there were more people like you. That is all.