Or he’s not. I don’t care. He is still my son. And he is 5. And I am his mother. And if you have a problem with anything mentioned above, I don’t want to know you.
I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to post something more in-depth about my sweet boy and his choice of Halloween costume. Or more specifically, the reactions to it. I figure if I’m still irked by it a few days later, I may as well go ahead and post my thoughts.
Here are the facts that lead up to my rant:
- My son is 5 and goes to a church preschool.
- He has loved Scooby Doo since developing the ability and attention span to sit still long enough to watch it.
- Halloween is a holiday and its main focus is wearing a costume.
- My son’s school had the kids dress up, do a little parade, and then change out of costumes for the rest of the party.
- Boo’s best friend is a little girl
- Boo has an older sister
- Boo spends most of his time with me.
- I am a woman.
- I am Boo’s mother, not you.
So a few weeks before Halloween, Boo decides he wants to be Daphne from Scooby Doo, along with his best friend E. He had dressed as Scooby a couple of years ago. I was hesitant to make the purchase, not because it was a cross gendered situation, but because 5 year olds have a tendency to change their minds. After requesting a couple of more times, I said sure and placed the order. He flipped out when it arrived. It was perfect.
Then as we got closer to the actual day, he stared to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?
And then the big day arrives. We get dressed up. We drop Squirt at his preschool and head over to his. Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN? So he walks in. And there were several friends of mine that knew what he was wearing that smiled and waved and gave him high-fives. We walk down the hall to where his classroom is.
And that’s where things went wrong. Two mothers went wide-eyed and made faces as if they smelled decomp. And I realize that my son is seeing the same thing I am. So I say, “Doesn’t he look great?” And Mom A says in disgust, “Did he ask to be that?!” I say that he sure did as Halloween is the time of year that you can be whatever it is that you want to be. They continue with their nosy, probing questions as to how that was an option and didn’t I try to talk him out of it. Mom B mostly just stood there in shock and dismay.
And then Mom C approaches. She had been in the main room, saw us walk in, and followed us down the hall to let me know her thoughts. And they were that I should never have ‘allowed’ this and thank God it wasn’t next year when he was in Kindergarten since I would have had to put my foot down and ‘forbidden’ it. To which I calmly replied that I would do no such thing and couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. She continued on and on about how mean children could be and how he would be ridiculed.
My response to that: The only people that seem to have a problem with it is their mothers.
Another mom pointed out that high schools often have Spirit Days where girls dress like boys and vice versa. I mentioned Powderpuff Games where football players dress like cheerleaders and vice versa. Or every frat boy ever in college (Mom A said that her husband was a frat boy and NEVER dressed like a woman.)
But here’s the point, it is none of your damn business.
If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.
If my daughter had dressed as Batman, no one would have thought twice about it. No one.
But it also was heartbreaking to me that my sweet, kind-hearted five year old was right to be worried. He knew that there were people like A, B, and C. And he, at 5, was concerned about how they would perceive him and what would happen to him.
Just as it was heartbreaking to those parents that have lost their children recently due to bullying. IT IS NOT OK TO BULLY. Even if you wrap it up in a bow and call it ‘concern.’ Those women were trying to bully me. And my son. MY son.
It is obvious that I neither abuse nor neglect my children. They are not perfect, but they are learning how to navigate this big, and sometimes cruel, world. I hate that my son had to learn this lesson while standing in front of allegedly Christian women. I hate that those women thought those thoughts, and worse felt comfortable saying them out loud. I hate that ‘pink’ is still called a girl color and that my baby has to be so brave if he wants to be Daphne for Halloween.
And all I hope for my kids, and yours, and those of Moms ABC, are that they are happy. If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.
I hope I am doing that.
And my little man worked that costume like no other. He rocked that wig, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Words cannot express how awesome you are! I have been inspired by this. This past year, my two twin boys wanted to dress up as giant vaginas for Halloween, but because I had no courage, I said no. I was too afraid of what the narrow-minded, judgmental fools out there would say about it instead of letting my boys express their natural creativity.
I mean, what kind of mean-spirited adults would look down on two 8 year old boys trying to have a bit of fun for halloween? I wish we lived in a world that was more accepting and allowed everyone to do what they want to do instead of stiffling them.
But thanks to you, Never Again will I limit my sons.
Thank You!
BRAVO!! You are a true parent.
P.S. Your son looked awesome in his costume. =)
I commend you for accepting that your son might be gay, but you seem very proud to have willingly exposed him to such heartache at such a young age. Is that what a good mother does? If your son is gay that’s great but I think that maybe you should wait until he is older next time, when he has the wherewithal to knowingly expose himself to such ridicule on his own. He doesn’t need you to turn him ‘neurotic’ either.
You are awesome! This article filled my little heart with joy. I wish there were more people like you in the world!
You. Are. Amazing!
This is fantastic! Not only what you wrote, but the outpour of comments you received! Your son is lucky indeed to have a parent who is concerned with allowing him to grow into the best that he can be, whatever he will choose. And sharing this with the world is definitely a ray of folks for those of us who never felt accepted for whom they were as kids…
Also, what does that say about our society? Not only about how we read into kid’s Halloween choices, and how we want to pin straight or bi or gay sexualities on kids who may even not yet have formed such preferences, but also - do we expect all little girls to be princesses and barbie dolls? Can a girl dress up as superman and not a scantily clad wonder woman? as a cowboy or knight and not a damsel in distress?
kudos to you, and thanks for this post!
You are a pillar to society. You are clearly a fantastic mother and don’t you ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Maybe your son will grow up to be gay, and as you say, you will love him no less because being gay or straight does not change a person in any way, shape or form. I just wish the few small-minded bigoted people that populate our world would come to understand that. Or maybe your son will be straight, who knows? But that’s okay too. All that matters is that he is happy and healthy and comfortable within himself. No-one can judge and try to shape a person or their happiness. I commend you. Well Done from the population of the U.K. :)
I just wanted to write and let you know what a wonderful mother you are. This may be one of the best and most inspiring things I’ve read in awhile. Your son is very lucky to have you. And I think he looks great!
Yes — and thank you!
You ROCK!! Every child should know such uncondional love.
I think you are an amazing mother and your child is so blessed to have such a wonderful person as a parent.
If only the world was full of people as loving as you…this world would be a much better place.
You have inspired many!
Just beautiful- rock on, we need more mom’s like you.
Good on you! Keep that spirit going, you give some of us hope that sanity and tolerance can prevail. Ask Woman A B and C what this country stands for and they should know to say Liberty. SO where is Liberty in their thinking. If what one does harms no one else, do we not have the freedom to do as WE choose, not as THEY choose? Their attitudes are fascistic, which their fathers or grandfathers sacrificed to defeat.
When I read your final paragraph I wept and wept. You sound like a wonderful mother. I’ve had supportive parents my whole life but being gay was never something they had prepared for. When I came out to them at 20 (25 years ago!) they stumbled for a bit but, happily, figured it out. You, however, seem to know exactly what to do. Love your son, help him be the best him he can be, and tell everyone else who has an opinion about it to back the fuck off.
Thank you with all my heart.
Your son ROCKED that Daphne costume!! Seriously!
[...] his fellow preschooler’s moms – she became the center of a sexuality controversy. Her post, My Son Is Gay, currently has close to 46,000 comments. Forty-six thousand! And her site had more than 2 million [...]
I too have a 5 year old boy that loves to do some girly things. He loves the color pink. He wears it. A lot. He has an older sister and also a twin brother. In his “spare” time from school, he also loves to ice fish with dad and play with monster trucks.
Those mothers that have issues with a 5 year old boy dressing in a feminine costume for Halloween need not look any farther than the mirror to see what is wrong with the concept. It is sad that they apparently have issues with self-acceptance, and also judge people by first glance. I cannot imagine being friends with ANY of these women, and would most certainly not have been nearly as tactful as you were. I pity their children who will obviously be raised to believe stereotypes, and worse yet, believe themselves that they will never be more than what callous old women such as themselves will ever let them be.
Good for you, and your son is adorable. I wish he would have come here to trick or treat. My boy would have loved his costume! Good job standing up for him and for standing up to those who have narrow minds.
Thank you for posting this. I wish I had a mother like you. I am a bi-sexual, and my mother is a Christian woman. I came out and expressed my sexuality to my friends in high school. My close friends accepted me for who I am. However, to say I was completely accepted would be a lie. I got weird stares from my classmates all the way up until I graduated, and lets say, gym was a torture fest. I was ridiculed and on a few occasions sent to the principles office for “checking out” the girls in my gym class while we were changing. I guess they expected me to change with my eyes closed. I spent the remainder of my years in gym class changing in a bathroom stall. I was too embarrassed to show my face. Though I knew I never looked at any of those girls sexually, I began to feel like they were right. That I am, in a way, a monster. So I caged myself, away from the others, away from sight in those bathroom stalls. I remember asking my mother to sit with me. I wanted to tell her about my troubles at school and why I would come home in tears. As I began speaking, I watched her smile slowly fade. Her eyes that once sparkled had become bleak as if a part of her had died. The proud part. She looked at me in disgust, called me an Abomination, and left the room. I will never forget that day. So, thank you. Reading this made me smile. I may not have had an accepting mother, but to know there are mothers out there like yourself makes me hopeful for the future. Your son is very fortunate. Best regards to you and your family.
WTF is a bisexual woman? Sounds like GREED to me.
you rock! and your son is great, and your parenting sounds RIGHT ON, supporting your kid on decisions, etc. I am appalled at the way the ‘moms’ reacted.
It is the response of adults that informs the kids. They are causing the issue, no one else. truly, they need to lighten up.
I know a kid (boy) who liked to play ‘dress up’ with his sister and female cousin. His sister plays ice hockey (which she repeatedly is praised for), but his father reacts poorly to his dress up. He once said: ‘I wish I was a girl’ when I asked about why, he said, ‘because girls are more flexible’ (he expressed that girls can do ‘girl’ and ‘boy’ stuff and nobody cares. He was getting mixed messages. He now is ‘all boy’, enjoying carpentry, football, etc (but he still occasionally will put on dress-ups, I think it is the silk that he likes)….regardless - if it turns out he is gay it has nothing to do with playing ‘dress up’.
Thanks for sharing this!
Well done.
Parents arguing about childrens sexual or religious orientation at that age are only trying to project their own insecurities and prejudices.
I particularily took to your quote:
“Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.”
I wish more could learn from that.
Ok, so we can’t dictate what is “normal”, but we sure as hell can decide what “a good person” is. Please cut out the pathetic back patting.
The world needs more mothers like you.
The irony in all of this is we throw our hands up and say it’s terrible that children are bullied for being gay, and that it can end in suicide, but nobody is asking where these bullies are learning this behavior. They’re learning it from a government who says that gay people aren’t worthy of the same marriage institutions as straight people. They’re learning it from a military that says homosexuals cause a threat to unit discipline and cohesion, an institution that says it wasn’t designed to be an instrument of social change (ignoring it already is given they now let women and black people serve openly in their units without segregation). They’re learning it from so-called Christian parents who preach “judge not, lest ye be judged” but fail to live up to their own example. And then we wonder where kids get the idea of bullying children that are different and labeling them as gay. They’re learning it from us.
The world needs more mothers like you - more leaders like you.
Boo is going to be just fine.
Love the outfit!
Or maybe they instinctively know that there is something wrong with a man bending over so another man can shove a penis into his rectum. That could be it. Maybe they just need more time to get with that program.
He looks adorable.
This is one of the cutest Halloween costumes I’ve ever seen, and he has the cutest smile ever.
The a, b and c mothers are rather immature to think like that, i am myself gay and i just want to let you know, most heterosexual poeple do not know how dificult it is to live as a gay person, the looks you get, the remarks, insults and even threats people can say to you.
I’m only 17 years old and i have already done 3 depressions because of what i have lived.. so if i can help anyone who has a gay, lesbian or bisexual relative or friend, tell them to not give a damn of what people thinks about them, and to realize tha its those poeple who are not normal to be homophobic.
Cop’s Wife-
Recently, my 6 year old son had my wife/his mother paint his nails pink for school. She warned him that it was very likely he would be made fun of at school. I repeated the warning when I dropped him off that morning. He told both of us he didn’t care. He did get made fun of some and he admitted it bothered him some but I don’t think it did to the degree that it will dissuade him from painting his nails again. I posted on Facebook that I was more proud of him than I could possibly explain as to the courage he exhibited in being his own person. It doesn’t matter to me what or who my son becomes-straight, bi, gay, transvestite, transgender, etc as long as he treats people as well as he expects to be treated himself. I finished my FB post by saying “You go, Alex. You go.” And I mean every word of it.
[...] mom blogged about this and received over one-million views. Much of the feedback posted to her wall was critical. She had [...]
Let’s see, how many male actors have been known for performing in drag? Right off the top of my head, i can think of Milton Berle, Flip Wilson, Johnny Carson, Jamie Farr, Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, Tom Hanks, Peter Scolari, Tim Curry, Dustin Hoffman, Wesley Snipes, Patrick Swayze, and Robin Williams. From where I sit, it looks like your son is in some damn good company.
I think it is kinda off that you titled your post that, so no wonder people woulf give you flak about it!
But the content of your post… You’re right. It’s sad that a five year old would be worried about being thought of in stupid, closed-minded ways. And I admire him! He reminds me of the time that I dressed up as a cowboy for halloween ( I even had a mustache). People wondered what a little boy was doing with waist-length hair, though :)) (btw, I’m female)
but they never said anything hurtful! Grown men who are, well, MEN, dress up as women all the time, for fun or work or whatever, and no one gives them flak about it. I think that it’s unfair that little boys can’t dress as girls and not get iffy comments :<
I really loved this! People have been talking badly pf this post so I went to check it out but I don’t think they even took the time to read it. Your son can be whatever he wants and I think that it’s cute. I wish I had been there, so I could kick those lady’s asses. I hope he had a good Halloween!
Thank you for sharing this, I’ve had a few nosy people prod their nose into my sister’s life. About her sexual orientation, and it does concern me when she comes back with bruises, when I ask; it’s always the same response: “I’m fine, stop acting like mother.”
She’s my little sister, I’d beat anyone up who dare lay a finger on her being. Maybe it’s that this era where people change for the worse, it is no longer an open world to share thoughts with. Love is no sin, nor anything we should doubt. Lust is mere affliction, blind and ragged with consequences. But no god struck lightning when sexual orientation was a problem.
And with your son dressing up as Daphne, I realized that those mom don’t have the right care, the heart for something that deems unnatural. I pity their children if they become infatuated with the same sex, parents are supposed to stand by, no matter what. I’m not saying this in disrespect, just an opinion from a gay guys’ heart. And I know that it isn’t my business, but now-a-days it seems weird to link arms with your bestfriend, who might be a guy or girl, and people think you’re automatically a couple. No, let them think that.
We shouldn’t care. Not what other people think, and your story has an open thought to that. What business is yours shouldn’t be others to be involved in.
Well, ja ne.
-
I am a huge supporter of gay relationships or sexual orientation, no mind should change what you are as a person. We’re all humans.
I guess Benny Hill and a few hundred British comedians would be in real trouble in your son’s school. British solders used to dress up in drag for vareity shows during WWII.
Does that make them “not real men?”
simply wonderful… your son is lucky to have a mom like you. I’m sure he will develop to be an amazing man - I think freedom and exposure is the key to letting children develop in the world. I wish the best for you in life - though i’m sure things will go well. I believe your son looks adorable and he has good taste in cartoon girls ;P :]
WOW! Great. I wonder if the abc-moms could read this and still act like they did. This is insanely common, how bad people pretend to be good people and hide their behavior as if they’re just protecting from the horrible ways they themselves act out.
As a newly father of a son, this is something i will keep clear in mind.
“Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.”
My favorite quote ever. EVER. People are jerks, you seem to be a very well adjusted, intelligent and compassionate mother.. Gee, I wonder which traits your son will learn as opposed to the children of Moms ABC. Good for you for letting your son express himself as he wanted. Maybe if more parents did that instead of stifle children the world wouldn’t have bullies.
all i can say is, we need more mothers/parents like you. Im so proud and im amaze. Im glad to support you and i will support the fight. So will my whole family. I believe we are raised the right way, not them.
Plus I agree really it seems to me like the guys love dressing like females. grade school, high school, college, or just for the heck of it, it doesnt matter how old they are. At my college we have peach blossoms, (army vets that are going back to college) and they use to and still do, dress as cheerleaders, run around at the football games with toliet plungers, red wigs and fake boobs. I dressed as a hobo one year for halloween, mom said i looked just like my uncle. :)
In my mind nothin is wrong with it, and if some reason he does turn out to be gay, im just glad he has you for mother and your support. Cuz we will stand behind you.
On behalf of society in general, thank you for standing up to those bullies. You are awesome.
Also, this is amazing: I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.
You are such an inspirational mother and a courageous human being.
Dear wonderful parent. Me and my husband are very happy that Boo has you as a mother, not only for the way you handled the situation but also for posting it. I was a tomboy and my little brother played with dolls all of his childhood. Everybody loved the tomboy girl but my brother had harder time. Life is wonderful and we should enjoy it in pink or in blue.
Your kid is so cute.
good fricking grief, when will people learn the difference between transvestite and homosexual? not ALL drag queens are into men. they just like dressing up as a woman every so often (and it varies).