Or he’s not. I don’t care. He is still my son. And he is 5. And I am his mother. And if you have a problem with anything mentioned above, I don’t want to know you.
I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to post something more in-depth about my sweet boy and his choice of Halloween costume. Or more specifically, the reactions to it. I figure if I’m still irked by it a few days later, I may as well go ahead and post my thoughts.
Here are the facts that lead up to my rant:
- My son is 5 and goes to a church preschool.
- He has loved Scooby Doo since developing the ability and attention span to sit still long enough to watch it.
- Halloween is a holiday and its main focus is wearing a costume.
- My son’s school had the kids dress up, do a little parade, and then change out of costumes for the rest of the party.
- Boo’s best friend is a little girl
- Boo has an older sister
- Boo spends most of his time with me.
- I am a woman.
- I am Boo’s mother, not you.
So a few weeks before Halloween, Boo decides he wants to be Daphne from Scooby Doo, along with his best friend E. He had dressed as Scooby a couple of years ago. I was hesitant to make the purchase, not because it was a cross gendered situation, but because 5 year olds have a tendency to change their minds. After requesting a couple of more times, I said sure and placed the order. He flipped out when it arrived. It was perfect.
Then as we got closer to the actual day, he stared to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?
And then the big day arrives. We get dressed up. We drop Squirt at his preschool and head over to his. Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN? So he walks in. And there were several friends of mine that knew what he was wearing that smiled and waved and gave him high-fives. We walk down the hall to where his classroom is.
And that’s where things went wrong. Two mothers went wide-eyed and made faces as if they smelled decomp. And I realize that my son is seeing the same thing I am. So I say, “Doesn’t he look great?” And Mom A says in disgust, “Did he ask to be that?!” I say that he sure did as Halloween is the time of year that you can be whatever it is that you want to be. They continue with their nosy, probing questions as to how that was an option and didn’t I try to talk him out of it. Mom B mostly just stood there in shock and dismay.
And then Mom C approaches. She had been in the main room, saw us walk in, and followed us down the hall to let me know her thoughts. And they were that I should never have ‘allowed’ this and thank God it wasn’t next year when he was in Kindergarten since I would have had to put my foot down and ‘forbidden’ it. To which I calmly replied that I would do no such thing and couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. She continued on and on about how mean children could be and how he would be ridiculed.
My response to that: The only people that seem to have a problem with it is their mothers.
Another mom pointed out that high schools often have Spirit Days where girls dress like boys and vice versa. I mentioned Powderpuff Games where football players dress like cheerleaders and vice versa. Or every frat boy ever in college (Mom A said that her husband was a frat boy and NEVER dressed like a woman.)
But here’s the point, it is none of your damn business.
If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.
If my daughter had dressed as Batman, no one would have thought twice about it. No one.
But it also was heartbreaking to me that my sweet, kind-hearted five year old was right to be worried. He knew that there were people like A, B, and C. And he, at 5, was concerned about how they would perceive him and what would happen to him.
Just as it was heartbreaking to those parents that have lost their children recently due to bullying. IT IS NOT OK TO BULLY. Even if you wrap it up in a bow and call it ‘concern.’ Those women were trying to bully me. And my son. MY son.
It is obvious that I neither abuse nor neglect my children. They are not perfect, but they are learning how to navigate this big, and sometimes cruel, world. I hate that my son had to learn this lesson while standing in front of allegedly Christian women. I hate that those women thought those thoughts, and worse felt comfortable saying them out loud. I hate that ‘pink’ is still called a girl color and that my baby has to be so brave if he wants to be Daphne for Halloween.
And all I hope for my kids, and yours, and those of Moms ABC, are that they are happy. If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.
I hope I am doing that.
And my little man worked that costume like no other. He rocked that wig, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Dear who-ever-you-are.
You are an amazing mother.
I agree with your points and you know what a lot of the times kids are just curious. Your a good mom to let him dress up to how he pleased on Halloween, and defend your son. You see tons of grown men do it lots of times on Halloween, doesn’t make them any less secure about their sexuality or who they are. And no one is railing them for it.
Halloween is about fun, and it’s great you let your little boy do so.
I loved this article. I am conservative for the most part. BUT I LOATHE the fearful “right” that have NO FREAKING CLUE like the first responder “Michelle”.
My oldest son is now almost 13. and YES, he wanted to paint his nails when he was little and I LET HIM! He dressed in a skirt for dress ups once or twice. and I let him.
Today he is crushing on a girl at his school. apparently this mother is right, He is not gay because he wanted to paint his nails at 3 years old. He identity was not confused. He is who he is and he wanted to express himself.
I LOVED powder puff football and was happy to see guys dressed in skirts cheering us girls on in football. I love being one of the boys and encourage my boys to take dance classes and dress in pink. Not because I hope they are gay or not. But because I want them to be secure in who they are and what they want me to do.
My nephew is 16 and LOVES girls. But he wears pink. He says it’s his favorite color. he also plays football. loves to act and sing. I LOVE THAT. If he was gay, it would be difficult because I believe what I believe. HOWEVER… to say that a kid that loves theatre, likes pink and dances MUST be gay or discouraged to participate in those things because he LOVES those activities is MORONIC!!!
SO GO MOM - The kid got to be Daphne. I for one, applaud YOU! and I still call myself conservative. and still encourage my kids to ear any color, dress how they want for Halloween and take a ballet class if they want to.
Re-vamped/spell checked-te he he
Oh my… It troubles me that there has to be the name calling or you’re so wrong type stuff but unfortunately I wonder those who are negative or diagnostic if you really truly read the first post at all. A mother is supporting her son PERIOD! Not forcing him into something, not saying he is or isn’t something, just saying no matter what he is or isn’t she loves her boy. I truly don’t understand people how they can get so hateful, some of these posts are like all homo’s need to be burned/killed or whatever it was I just hurt in my heart. Thus the reason I am spiritual because so many so called religious people are not always spiritual, SOME not all tend to manipulate the bible in ways that I just don’t understand how anyone could believe our ‘GOD’ would do or be? Cop’s wife and your little Boo - continue to do what you’re doing and I pray you have opened up some minds and hearts with your post (which it seems you have) and don’t take to heart the haters out there whether they are standing behind their bibles or not. Information, tolerance, peace are what needs to be taught and shared. Love to you all!
Christa - a mother, a grand-mother, a sister, a daughter, a worker, a woman, a taxi driver for kids, a doctor for my babies, and much, much more even a lesbian! Don’t everyone that had negative post drop your jaw. But you haters that want me killed please keep it to yourself, my daughter, grandsons and daughter would be lost without me as would my mother, co-workers and friends.
Oh my… It troubles me that there has to be the name calling or your so wrong type stuff but unfortunately I wonder those who are negative or diagnostic if you really truly read the first post at all. A mother is supporting her son PERIOD! Not forcing him into something, not saying he is or isn’t something, just saying no matter what he is or isn’t she loves her boy. I truly don’t understand people how they can get so hateful, some of these post are like all homo’s need to be burned/killed or whatever it was I just hurt in my heart. Thus the reason I am spiritual because so many so called religious people are not always spiritual, SOME not all tend to manipulate the bible in ways that I just don’t understand how anyone could believe our ‘GOD’ would do or be? Cop’s wife and your little Boo - continue to do what your doing and I pray you have opened up some minds and hearts with your post (which it seems you have) and don’t take to heart the haters out there whether they are standing behind their bibles or not. Information, tolerance, peace are what needs to be taught and shared. Love to you all!
Christa - a mother, a grand-mother, a sister, a daughter, a worker, a woman, a taxi driver for kids, a doctor for my babies, and much,much more even a lesbian! Don’t everyone that had negative post drop your jaw. But you haters that want me killed please keep it to yourself, My daughter, grandsons and daughter would be lost without me as would my mother, co-workers and friend.
This is tragic. Your son has a clear case of GID (gender identity disorder), which is different from, but a precursor to, same-sex attraction. GID is a real pyschological condition which is listed in the DSM manual (whereas homosexuality has been removed). To be concerned about GID and work to heal it is not “homophobic.” Your post has limited info but I would guess that the contributing factors are:
1) He has a distant father or no father figure present
2) As a result of #1, you as his mother is too close/involved and he is not getting the chance to dis-identify from you
3) He apparently has no positive male relationships (brother, best friend, etc.)
It is likely that he believes either that boys are inferior, or that he personally doesn’t measure up to some pedestalized concept of boyhood. He may also feel unsafe in life, and believes girlhood to be safer. It could be he is uncoordinated and as such feels inadequate in many “boy” activities such as contact or projectile sports. This can all be overcome with good and careful parenting and affirmation.
It is also possible that he is very creative/artistic, and has been culturally conditioned to associate beauty with only feminine things. A worst-case possibility, which should not be ruled out without investigation, is that he has been sexually abused. As a result of any or all of the above, he is rejecting boyhood.
He needs counseling or he will end up with very real problems that will haunt him for his entire life. Unchecked GID leads to same sex attraction in most cases. Same sex attraction is definitively linked to depression, suicidal tendencies, extreme promiscuity, and a drastically shorter life expectancy due to STD’s, HIV, etc. Sure, cultural intolarance and bullying are part of the reason for depression & suicidal tendencies, but it goes beyond that to something real, internal, related to one’s mind, body and spirit.
Your son is not gay per se, but he is confused about who he is. Sadly, you are directing him into a self-fulfilling prophecy, even with the words you toss around so flippantly. The most important thing you can give him (love), should be directed into his healing, not into enabling his confusion. Particularly, you need to help him find male playmates that he can trust and feel safe with. He has a big gaping hole in his life where he has no positive male interactions… no brother, no friends, no father (apparently). He does not feel accepted by other males. When he becomes an adolescent he will seek to fill this lifelong void in all the wrong ways, unless you do something now.
I hope you will look past PC concepts of open-mindedness and instead do what is better for your son, not what is easier for you.
Dressing up as Daphne is not at all PC, as you can see by the reactions she got by some unfortunate mothers. Pretending to sympathize cannot and does not hide your hatred. Where does she say any where that he has no positive male influence? She doesn’t. She does state that he is around a lot of women, but how can that be bad? If anything, he will grow up knowing how to respect women. I’m so glad the boy is too young to read your hateful post. He sounds like a bright young boy, and doesn’t need horrible people telling him that he is not normal. That will only make him insecure; being who is is and wants to be will not make him insecure. People like you will.
Michelle, you’re an idiot, sorry … was that my outside voice ?
Hey there. I love the column and am proud of your stance and your attitude. As to the first poster, GID is a serious condition and is NEVER present in children. What a jerk!
Moms like you are going to make this world a better place! Thanks for your courage and independence, and congratulations on having an independent-minded and wonderful son!
This is tragic. Your son has a clear case of GID (gender identity disorder), which is different from, but a precursor to, same-sex attraction. The problem is:
1) He has a distant or no father
2) His mother is too close/involved
3) He either believes boys are inferior, or that he is inadequate as a boy
He needs counseling or he will end up with very real problems. Same sex attraction is definitively linked to depression, suicidal tendencies, extreme promiscuity, and a drastically shorter life expectancy due to STD’s, HIV, etc.
Your son is not gay, he is confused about who he is. But you are directing him into a self-fulfilling prophecy, even with the words you toss around so flippantly. The most important thing you can give him (love), should be directed into his healing. Particularly, you need to help him find male playmates that he can trust and feel safe with. He has a hole in his life where he has no male interactions… no brother, no friends, no father (apparently). When he becomes an adolescent he will seek to fill this void in all the wrong ways, unless you do something now.
you’re a very misled individual, michelle
you did the right thing and i love that i`m a 16 year old girl who dressed like a boy scince i could dress myself and yeah i am gay sexual prefrence means nothing the world just needs to be more accepting
well ello rachel! great comment!
You are a wonderfull mother. Staight or Gay, he is getting the support, encouragement, and love he needs from you. That will take him far and make his life so much easier, what ever he grows up to be.
My son is 6, he has two dads. Most of the time, he gets crushes on girls. Sometimes on boys. At a birthday party a few days ago, he asked if he could mary a boy at that party when they grow up. Another boy, an 8 year old, said, “Awe, man, that meens he is, you know, G-A-Y.” He was affraid to even say the word. I told him, my son is too young to know if he is gay or straight. Either way, there is no problem. When he grows up and falls in love, he can mary who ever he wants, if the other person wants to mary him too. The older boy stammered, “Ahh, yeah, I guess thats true.”
I do wish more parents would let their kids AND the world know that it is OK to follow you orientation, or even just your desire to be someone else for holloween with out it meening anything other than you want to wear a costume!
I’d have to say that I agree with every one else. I love this picture. Your son has character. He has a personality, and I love that you let him flaunt it however he wants to. So what if he is gay? Thats just how things are for some kids, no need to stifle it at all. In todays society I feel sad because gays are still being put down, and that is no way to act towards another human, no matter what religion they are.
But high-five to you for letting him wear this! And Velma totally rocks too.
:)<3
He looks absolutely brilliant! You can tell from the picture that he has a fantastic personality and is just brimming with life. Plus, he is going to have a great story to tell his friends later on. “What were you for Halloween as a kid?” “Batman, Superman, blah blah blah.” “Oh really? I was Daphne from Scooby Doo.” “No way! That’s awesome!”
[...] other kids, both boys and girls — telling him that boys don’t wear pink. And of course after the flap about the 5-year-old boy who was Daphne for Halloween, it’s clear that people still have a whole lot of issues that might negatively affect my son. I [...]
Your son is ADORABLE! I’m sorry for you that this was even an issue. And sorry for him, too. But I’m so glad that you both went for it. Because it really IS a non-issue. My son is 11 years old, and my daughter 9. I’ve never made an issue of “gender-crossing” type things, so it just isn’t one. You’re a wonderful mother, and it sounds like you’ve got a wonderful son! (And shame on mothers ABC!!)
BADASSERY
I sincerely approve of your support of your son. You are right to say that this was bullying. I probably would have flipped out if that happened to me. Mind your own business is right! Go stomp on your own kids…
Kudos to you for being an actual Christian!
I AM the Mom of a little girl “Batman”! When my now 18 yr old daughter was 6, she wanted to be Batman - so that’s what she was that year for Halloween. But because of the mask and headpiece covering her beautiful locks, most people thought she was a boy. But she politely corrected them and thanked them for the candy.
There’s a double standard at work here. Every year I see pre-teen girls dressed in their fathers wardrobe with five o’clock shadow for instance, and no one says anything - because you know it’s Halloween and you can be anything you want to be. So why can’t a handsome little guy like your son pretend to be whatever he wants.
What difference does it make in the lives of A, B, & C. What your son wears or does has no impact on what they do in their lives. Sometimes people are so busy pointing fingers at everyone else, passing judgment that they don’t see the dysfunction in their own lives. And this is at a Christian School? Hmmmmm…..
My six year one son loves this picture and just commented, “His Mom is right, he does really rock that wig.” Yay Mom, Yay son way to go!
if he asked to be freddy, it would have been a little more cause for concern ; ).
You are a gorgeous and amazing mother! Absolutely fantastic. You are an honor to all that motherhood is about. I love you and I’ve never met you.
I am a mother of two children my oldest 2 is a girl and my youngest 1 is a boy…my children watch me put on make up and paint my nails and they want to do the same thing, so i let them, both, even though my son wants to participate in “female activity” i only think that it will teach him in the long run how to treat a woman versus “making him gay” which is an issue alot of parents don’t stop to think about; they are too concerned with making a boy a boy and making a girl a girl. Obvioiusly your son knows he’s a boy and understands the paradigm that society has on how boys should potray themselves and vice versa, because of his precaution in going to going to school but I commend you for being open minded and loving enough to teach your children at an early age to love themsleves and embrace their expressiveness.
absolutely ridiculous reaction from those other mothers. I agree, allowing to be a female character will in no way influence him or change his sexual orientation. Halloween is a time where children dress as their favourite characters, its no longer about being scary. Children should be allowed to enjoy their childhood. Sadly I think todays modern society has become over-critical, molly coddling children too much and not letting them experience life as they should be doing. Kudo’s to you for making a stand against these narrow minded people, and your son looks so happy in that photo.
You did the right thing. You can’t let the small minded people dictate how you live your life, being a supportive mother is the best thing you could have done. I am proud of you.
Cherish that picture, it will come in handy for future girlfriends, or possibly boyfriends. I have pictures of my son in girls clothes from that age, no a junior in high school I wish he was gay. Those little girls are always calling and getting him into trouble.
What kind of mother are you? Everybody knows Velma rocks way more than Daphne!
And I’d really like to thank you for teaching those mothers such a lesson which, I hope, will be memorable for them.
By the way, the costum suits him very well.
I just want to be one more person to tell you that you are not only an amazing mother, but an amazing PERSON as well. You have a beautiful son and I’m so happy to know that there are three more children out there who feel free to be themselves in the face of ignorance. Thank you for enriching our society and culture. <3