Or he’s not. I don’t care. He is still my son. And he is 5. And I am his mother. And if you have a problem with anything mentioned above, I don’t want to know you.
I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to post something more in-depth about my sweet boy and his choice of Halloween costume. Or more specifically, the reactions to it. I figure if I’m still irked by it a few days later, I may as well go ahead and post my thoughts.
Here are the facts that lead up to my rant:
- My son is 5 and goes to a church preschool.
- He has loved Scooby Doo since developing the ability and attention span to sit still long enough to watch it.
- Halloween is a holiday and its main focus is wearing a costume.
- My son’s school had the kids dress up, do a little parade, and then change out of costumes for the rest of the party.
- Boo’s best friend is a little girl
- Boo has an older sister
- Boo spends most of his time with me.
- I am a woman.
- I am Boo’s mother, not you.
So a few weeks before Halloween, Boo decides he wants to be Daphne from Scooby Doo, along with his best friend E. He had dressed as Scooby a couple of years ago. I was hesitant to make the purchase, not because it was a cross gendered situation, but because 5 year olds have a tendency to change their minds. After requesting a couple of more times, I said sure and placed the order. He flipped out when it arrived. It was perfect.
Then as we got closer to the actual day, he stared to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?
And then the big day arrives. We get dressed up. We drop Squirt at his preschool and head over to his. Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN? So he walks in. And there were several friends of mine that knew what he was wearing that smiled and waved and gave him high-fives. We walk down the hall to where his classroom is.
And that’s where things went wrong. Two mothers went wide-eyed and made faces as if they smelled decomp. And I realize that my son is seeing the same thing I am. So I say, “Doesn’t he look great?” And Mom A says in disgust, “Did he ask to be that?!” I say that he sure did as Halloween is the time of year that you can be whatever it is that you want to be. They continue with their nosy, probing questions as to how that was an option and didn’t I try to talk him out of it. Mom B mostly just stood there in shock and dismay.
And then Mom C approaches. She had been in the main room, saw us walk in, and followed us down the hall to let me know her thoughts. And they were that I should never have ‘allowed’ this and thank God it wasn’t next year when he was in Kindergarten since I would have had to put my foot down and ‘forbidden’ it. To which I calmly replied that I would do no such thing and couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. She continued on and on about how mean children could be and how he would be ridiculed.
My response to that: The only people that seem to have a problem with it is their mothers.
Another mom pointed out that high schools often have Spirit Days where girls dress like boys and vice versa. I mentioned Powderpuff Games where football players dress like cheerleaders and vice versa. Or every frat boy ever in college (Mom A said that her husband was a frat boy and NEVER dressed like a woman.)
But here’s the point, it is none of your damn business.
If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.
If my daughter had dressed as Batman, no one would have thought twice about it. No one.
But it also was heartbreaking to me that my sweet, kind-hearted five year old was right to be worried. He knew that there were people like A, B, and C. And he, at 5, was concerned about how they would perceive him and what would happen to him.
Just as it was heartbreaking to those parents that have lost their children recently due to bullying. IT IS NOT OK TO BULLY. Even if you wrap it up in a bow and call it ‘concern.’ Those women were trying to bully me. And my son. MY son.
It is obvious that I neither abuse nor neglect my children. They are not perfect, but they are learning how to navigate this big, and sometimes cruel, world. I hate that my son had to learn this lesson while standing in front of allegedly Christian women. I hate that those women thought those thoughts, and worse felt comfortable saying them out loud. I hate that ‘pink’ is still called a girl color and that my baby has to be so brave if he wants to be Daphne for Halloween.
And all I hope for my kids, and yours, and those of Moms ABC, are that they are happy. If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.
I hope I am doing that.
And my little man worked that costume like no other. He rocked that wig, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
It seems like everyone is saying she’s a ‘great mom’ because the outcome turned out okay. Her son had a great time must equal what she did was right. In the end it all worked out okay. Great…for everyone involved. Just consider if it hadn’t.
Wouldn’t these 500 comments be a little less ‘great mom’ if he’d been teased and come home crying? If the outcome had been one where he had an awful time and felt bad – then would you say she was so wise/courageous/strong to put him through it? Would everyone still be saying what a beneficial lesson it is for a five-year old to feel pain and ridicule? Her son is the one who would have to live with the day and how it felt – not her. (Think about your own life and something that upset you when you were a kid. The adults in your life have surely long forgotten about it. But you still remember and possibly feel the pain.) If the party had gone badly, a five-year old does not have had the logical and adult mind to rationalize it away as ‘adults/kids are just mean’.
I think there’s TWO valuable lessons to be learned here. FIRST LESSON – for her SON – that it’s okay to do something others won’t agree with because you’ll never have everyone agree. SECOND LESSON – for the MOM – that her son is his own individual with his own feelings/thoughts who should be able to change his mind up to the last moment. There are consequences for that change (i.e. ‘Son, if we go home now, we won’t have time to change costumes, so you’ll miss out on the party.’) But the power to change his mind rests with him and not her.
I’m only saying that without the benefit of hindsight, going into the situation, her son was anxious and didn’t want to go to the party. He was changing his mind about it his mom wouldn’t let the changed mind stand. She took away his choice. Not because she knew it would turn out okay, but maybe because she ‘knew better’ than her son that this would be good for him.
There’s no problem (in my mind) of her buying him the Daphne costume or of her standing up to the snarky A, B, and C moms. They were jerks and she was right to stand strong. In fact, I think she rocks for all of the choices she made up to getting out of the car. My only issue is that she did not afford him the opportunity to change his mind all the way up to the very last moment. It should have been that son’s choice = son’s consequence instead it was ultimately mom’s choice = son’s consequence.
It seems like everyone is saying she’s a ‘great mom’ because the outcome turned out okay. Her son had a great time must equal what she did was right. In the end it all worked out okay. Great…for everyone involved. Just consider if it hadn’t.
Wouldn’t these 500 comments be a little less ‘great mom’ if he’d been teased and come home crying? If the outcome had been one where he had an awful time and felt bad - then would you say she was so wise/courageous/strong to put him through it? Would everyone still be saying what a beneficial lesson it is for a five-year old to feel pain and ridicule? Her son is the one who would have to live with the day and how it felt - not her. (Think about your own life and something that upset you when you were a kid. The adults in your life have probably long forgotten about it. But you still remember and possibly feel the pain.) If the party had gone badly, a five-year old does not have had the logical and adult mind to rationalize it away as ‘adults/kids are just mean’.
I think there’s TWO valuable lessons to be learned here. FIRST LESSON - for her SON - that it’s okay to do something others won’t agree with because you’ll never have everyone agree. SECOND LESSON - for the MOM - that her son is his own individual with his own feelings/thoughts who should be able to change his mind up to the last moment. There are consequences for that change (i.e. ‘Son, if we go home now, we won’t have time to change costumes, so you’ll miss out on the party.’) But the power to change his mind rests with him and not her.
I’m only saying that without the benefit of hindsight, going into the situation, her son was anxious and didn’t want to go to the party. He was changing his mind about it his mom wouldn’t let the changed mind stand. She took away his choice. Not because she knew it would turn out okay, but maybe because she ‘knew better’ than her son that this would be good for him.
There’s no issue (in my mind) with his costume choice or mom buying it for him or her standing strong against A, B and C mom’s criticism. The other mom’s were jerks and this mom didn’t back down - she rocks for all those things she did along the way. I only think she let her son down by taking away his choice at the last minute. Instead of son’s choice = son’s consequence it turned out ultimately to be mom’s choice = son’s consequence.
I totally understand your frustration at the narrow minded mums you and your son had to endure!!…..My daughters are 17 and 19 now so its been a long time since I had to endure the nonsence that some other mothers feel they should impart on you……My daughters had a dressing up box at Boo’s age and their friend Bengiman adored getting dressed up in the pink tutu, fairy wings, tiara and LOTS of shiney beads, when he came to play. His mother and I thought he looked really great!! My eldest daughter did not mind if she was Robin Hood , little bo peep , Esmarelda or a fluffy cow ( all worn out for various fancy dress occasions)……She is gay and I am proud of her and love her for her and want her to be happy and fullfilled in her life. If some one was to remind me she once wore a Robin hood costume when 7 that must have led to her ” deciding ” to be gay, I would be astounded !
Thank God there a mothers like you!…….
I salute you.
I’m with you and your adorable son all the way!!! Off with those rotten witch hunters!
Wow, this post sure got a ton of attention! I’m sure that it will be a long time (if ever) before you get through all of these comments, but I still really felt the need to tell you that, although the entire post is a wonderful expression of how ridiculous society can be about the most simple things, there was one statement in particular that actually brought tears to my eyes.
“He knew that there were people like A, B, and C. And he, at 5, was concerned about how they would perceive him and what would happen to him.”
What a powerful statement that was for me. That even after how careful we are as parents to always show by example that people are people are people, a child of only 5 can still pick up on how others judge and condemn anything that may be outside of what they consider to be the “norm”. And why should ANY costume be out of the norm for Halloween in the first place?
I read a lot of the comments on here and was so happy to find other parents like me who actively teach their children not merely tolerance, but acceptance of others for who they are, however they are. The only real steps we can make toward change is going to start with the way we teach our children to view the world.
Thanks so much for sharing this and good luck with all the havoc it apparently caused!~
-Donna
I think you are an amazing mother! Whether or not your son is gay or straight you have supported him, supported him in discovering who he is and who he will grow to be. If he is gay then you will never know how much your excepting will mean to him. If he is straight then you are teaching him to be excepting of others. I am gay and never felt acceptance until I was 30. So are you are an amazing mother for giving your son this unconditional love and letting him know that it is ok to love himself no matter who he is.
We need more people like you (and your adorable son) in this world. I completely support you.
Man, nobody would care if he was above the age of 18. Haters gonna hate.
Good for you! Your son will remember your support, acceptance, and appreciation of what he wanted to do long after he forgets the responses of the other mothers. We mothers want our children to feel free and secure about coming to us about anything, and you have made it clear to him ( in many ways, i suspect) that he is free to do so and that your love in unconditional. My children are all grown now, and I believe more strongly than ever that your support and example are cricial, both for him and for the worldl!!
I have the utmost admiration and respect for your attitude and for the way you dealt with these fools.
you are an amazing mom. When i was 12 (and in junior high) i decided i wanted to be Cleopatra for Halloween. My mother made my costume, glued on fake nails, and cut a wig for me. it was one of the best Halloweens i ever had. And yes. i got made fun of. And yes, it hurt. But from then on i never had any question of weather or not my mother loved me. she is my best friend, and my mentor. I am 28 now. Yes i am gay. And i am increasingly happy with my life. side note- i am a hair and makeup artist for film and tv, and i make more money than i ever thought i could by playing dress up with celebrities.
You are truly an awesome person and mother, I would have done the same! Your children are lucky to have such an inspiration in their life!
You go Mamma!
I am a teacher and I agree that it is extremely important for children to be able to express themselves and use their imaginations without having to worry about being ridiculed!
You rock, Mom! Your children have a wonderful model of decency in you. I’m a mom to three and a second grade teacher. I applaud you!
Amen, sister. Amen. Wonderful post. And ridiculously wonderful boy! (I have a five-year-old boy too (and his imagination is rich, full and outrageous at times) so I appreciate and identify:)
you are such an inspiration on how every mother should raise their child keep up the good work!
Dear Internet Lady:
You are awesome, this is an awesome post, and I hope that I can one day be at least half the awesome mom you are!
You are an awesome Mum, and your son is perfect. He will grow up to be a strong, proud and happy young man with you at his back, and I salute you for it.
Hey, I am female, and I dressed up as Han Solo when I was about 11 - a lot older than your boy. Plus, I am not gay, trans, etc. (not that it would matter).
Dressing as someone of the opposite gender doesn’t have to mean anything other than you think that person is cool. A friend of mine back then dressed as a computer - no one made any assumptions that that meant anything about having doubts about her humanity.
I find your experience very interesting. I am doing a study on boys who have
effeminate behavior, and how adults react to them. I agree that many people hypothetically say boys are allowed to play with dolls dress as girls etc then act like vicious bullies when they actually see it. In the study I’m doing I have put a poll on the internet asking if it is ok for boys to play with dolls, 70% says yes it is ok.
It is going to be funny for the next part, I’m going to have a 10 and 11 year old boys play with baby dolls in the middle of a local mall.. hehehehe,
I might have to place body guards around the boys.
I would like to include you as a reference of how adults truly react to boys playing with traditionally female toys, costumes etc. If you would allow it I would greatly appreciate it. Could you please tell me how many adults reacted badly. Did you have any negative reactions from the dads, or did it seem to mainly be mothers who were the most vehement about it?
What has been the reaction of the people on the internet? Any info you give me will be awesome.
Thank you for taking a stand for our boys. It seems we are becoming a more gender equal society only if we allow our girls to act like boys, Lord forbid if a boy has any of the dreaded female actions. If you would answer my one question on my poll I would be honored. http://www.snappoll.com/poll/345106.php
Thank you for post about this,
Christal
Amazing story! I agree with ALL of your comments - I have an almost 3-year-old son, and while I would hope he will be ‘straight’ simply because life would be ‘easier’ for him, I would love him no less if he was gay.
The only problem I have is that people seem to think that ‘Christian’ people are held to a higher standard - such as the surprise that christian women would act so poorly. If anything, I find people who hold themselves as morally higher due to their religion are actually more judgemental of others, and generally hypocritical.
Reminds me that my brother used to dress up in girls’ clothes as a young boy. He grew up to be a mountain climbing, whitewater rafting, trout fishing, sheep and moose hunting anesthesiologist. He’s married with two boys so it doesn’t seem to have hurt him any or made him gay (not that I would have considered that harmful either).
Good way to promote your blog is to dress up your son as a girl and use the title “My son is gay”
It is one thing that you let your son dress the way he wanted for halloween, but to post a picture of him on the internet with that title clearly proves you had other selfish motives.
There is nothing wrong with the costume, the mother or posting what happened. Whats the matter with you that you made this comment?
Why do you care?
I have to admit that its nice to see parents that don’t push society’s mind onto their children. Your son is absolutely cute. And you are absolutely right. Those mothers had no right to even suggest anything is wrong with his costume. Props for how you handled the situation.
He’s adorable!
And good for you!
You are an inspiration!
As is he. :]
[...] http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/ [...]
When I was in the 4th grade, one of my classmates dressed up as a girl for Halloween. The ONLY people who said anything were the parents. I thought it was an amusing costume and all my fellow classmates said it looked awesome. He isn’t gay. He isn’t a transvestite. He is a normal guy who dressed up as a girl when he was 9. Even if he turned out to be gay. WHO CARES?! It’s no one’s business but his own.
Such an inspiration! You go, Mom! And you go, Boo! I love it! You have a fan here.
What a truly inspiring story…. i hope that one day i will make the right decisions as you do with your kids.
I’m a firm believer in the act that teachers and parents should not dictate a child’s future but rather like you say, “help them” to the future they desire… awhile at the same time, deterring what’s morally right and wrong - of course.
This is my first time and I’m automatically a fan of your site.
thank-you!
What is the matter with people? Why do they have to tag him with some kind of a name? He is only a kid who like’s his friend. He has no concept of gender, ether do the other kids. By making it an issue ‘we make children feel bad. We make them think their is something wrong with them or others , thus the bullying. And if we put some kind of tag on them of coarse they are going to believe what everyone says to them. Now they think they are something they never really made a choice on.
I have a friend who decided to go to elementary school (4th grade) dressed as his sister, for halloween. He was by no means gay (he’s 48 now). Being a new kid in school he was already a minor social outcast. Well, this made him a major social outcast and I think someone even decided to beat him up.
There are some costumes (like cross-gender) that are only acceptable if “everyone” is wearing them. Football players who all come to school dressed as cheerleaders intentionally try their best to dress “gender queer”. If anyone tried to simulate the appearance of a real girl, they would be greatly ridiculed.
Your son has a lot of guts, and he learned a lesson about sexuality on Halloween that was well beyond his years, bravo!
Why must we adults put some kind of a tag on a child? Leave them alone! Wearing a costume of a girl only means he likes his friend. He has no concept of what our problem is. People who make comments and make the children feel bad (for what the children don’t understand), are the ones causing the problem in the first place.
Thank you. You are one hell of a woman. I hope to be a strong-willed mother like you.
I think he looks great in his costume! I worked in childcare for a number of years and I saw kids dressing up in costumes that some people consider gender specific. Go Boo for sticking to his guns and dressing as he wanted!
Just wanted to say that you are a great mother to your son. The support and the encouragement you’re giving to him now is so important and wonderful. I can never understand when people who tout their Christianity about like a small expensive dog in a mesh purse, but don’t even adhere to the core values of the religion. Much love to you and your family. :)
[...] state was thrown off his team for wearing pink cleats to celebrate Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The mother of a 5-year-old boy gained national attention after she encountered transphobia from her community for letting her son [...]
I was watching QI (a quiz show in the UK hosted by Stephen Fry), its very intelectual, and throws out myths and misinformation every episode. Turns out, that its only in the last couple of hundred years that pink has become a girls colour, and that traditionally, it was a boys colour, and blue was associated with girls. The confusion then appeared when for some reason, the gender names were switched. Yes thats right, boys were called girls and girls were called boys. So pink was a girls colour, but the girls were the male children. Pink was considered a strong masculine colour.
Dresses were what all children were dressed in until they were about 5 years old, not just girls, and there was no differentaition given between the two genders on the grounds that at that age, there is very little difference to draw except that which we create.
Remind these christian women that priests and vicars wear dresses, whatever they call them, they’re still dresses.
OMG, as a transwoman, I gotta say, I love you. Will you be my mom?