Or he’s not. I don’t care. He is still my son. And he is 5. And I am his mother. And if you have a problem with anything mentioned above, I don’t want to know you.
I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to post something more in-depth about my sweet boy and his choice of Halloween costume. Or more specifically, the reactions to it. I figure if I’m still irked by it a few days later, I may as well go ahead and post my thoughts.
Here are the facts that lead up to my rant:
- My son is 5 and goes to a church preschool.
- He has loved Scooby Doo since developing the ability and attention span to sit still long enough to watch it.
- Halloween is a holiday and its main focus is wearing a costume.
- My son’s school had the kids dress up, do a little parade, and then change out of costumes for the rest of the party.
- Boo’s best friend is a little girl
- Boo has an older sister
- Boo spends most of his time with me.
- I am a woman.
- I am Boo’s mother, not you.
So a few weeks before Halloween, Boo decides he wants to be Daphne from Scooby Doo, along with his best friend E. He had dressed as Scooby a couple of years ago. I was hesitant to make the purchase, not because it was a cross gendered situation, but because 5 year olds have a tendency to change their minds. After requesting a couple of more times, I said sure and placed the order. He flipped out when it arrived. It was perfect.
Then as we got closer to the actual day, he stared to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?
And then the big day arrives. We get dressed up. We drop Squirt at his preschool and head over to his. Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN? So he walks in. And there were several friends of mine that knew what he was wearing that smiled and waved and gave him high-fives. We walk down the hall to where his classroom is.
And that’s where things went wrong. Two mothers went wide-eyed and made faces as if they smelled decomp. And I realize that my son is seeing the same thing I am. So I say, “Doesn’t he look great?” And Mom A says in disgust, “Did he ask to be that?!” I say that he sure did as Halloween is the time of year that you can be whatever it is that you want to be. They continue with their nosy, probing questions as to how that was an option and didn’t I try to talk him out of it. Mom B mostly just stood there in shock and dismay.
And then Mom C approaches. She had been in the main room, saw us walk in, and followed us down the hall to let me know her thoughts. And they were that I should never have ‘allowed’ this and thank God it wasn’t next year when he was in Kindergarten since I would have had to put my foot down and ‘forbidden’ it. To which I calmly replied that I would do no such thing and couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. She continued on and on about how mean children could be and how he would be ridiculed.
My response to that: The only people that seem to have a problem with it is their mothers.
Another mom pointed out that high schools often have Spirit Days where girls dress like boys and vice versa. I mentioned Powderpuff Games where football players dress like cheerleaders and vice versa. Or every frat boy ever in college (Mom A said that her husband was a frat boy and NEVER dressed like a woman.)
But here’s the point, it is none of your damn business.
If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.
If my daughter had dressed as Batman, no one would have thought twice about it. No one.
But it also was heartbreaking to me that my sweet, kind-hearted five year old was right to be worried. He knew that there were people like A, B, and C. And he, at 5, was concerned about how they would perceive him and what would happen to him.
Just as it was heartbreaking to those parents that have lost their children recently due to bullying. IT IS NOT OK TO BULLY. Even if you wrap it up in a bow and call it ‘concern.’ Those women were trying to bully me. And my son. MY son.
It is obvious that I neither abuse nor neglect my children. They are not perfect, but they are learning how to navigate this big, and sometimes cruel, world. I hate that my son had to learn this lesson while standing in front of allegedly Christian women. I hate that those women thought those thoughts, and worse felt comfortable saying them out loud. I hate that ‘pink’ is still called a girl color and that my baby has to be so brave if he wants to be Daphne for Halloween.
And all I hope for my kids, and yours, and those of Moms ABC, are that they are happy. If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.
I hope I am doing that.
And my little man worked that costume like no other. He rocked that wig, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
[...] American blog Nerdy Apple Bottom, Sarah posts a picture of her 5 year old son dressed up as Daphne from Scooby Doo and titles the post ‘My son is [...]
You all may be having fun and laughs today. It will only be years from now that you realize the damage done to this boy. Is it any wonder why the bible cautioned males from wearing female clothes. Homosexuality can be prevented, http://www.preventhomosexuality.com. Time to be a parent, guide and educate the child. Having a child educate the parent leads to disaster.
That is a fake website…just checked no child doctor would sign that shamanic site..just ignore that link, nothing there is genuine. All propaganda material and half-truths.
Dear Jose,
Find a website with decent grammar, spelling, and organization, and MAYBE I will begin to take you seriously. All your website does for me is prove the point that anti-gay hate groups are full of uneducated male-chauvinist bigots.
WOW!!!
Fantastic post!!
Moms ABC should be ashamed of themselves!
While we in Australia don’t do Halloween, I get a few comments on my 11y old boy’s interest in embroidery and quilting (he has seen his mum do those things all his live, his 3 sisters were taught when they asked, so why can’t he?)
Father in law was worried he’s turn gay, just from picking up a needle and thread!!
Just because my husband believe in teaching all our kids to take care of them selves? all 4 of my kids can cook, sew a button on etc!
Father in law had the nerve to tell my boy NOT to do Girly things when Grandpa is around! Really?? Boy did he cop an earfull from the Mama Bear (me, really I’m really very quiet and shy, I promise, just don’t have a go at my babies!)
Mind you what do you expect from a man who expected an 8 month pregnant me to clean his car after my hubby threw up in it! Hubby told his dad, he’d clean it up as he didn’t think it was right for his pregnant wife to clean his mess!
I’m so glad hubby doesn’t take hver his dad! LOL
Didn’t JESUS CHRIST say, “Love one another.”? Why do the so-called CHRISTIANS always forget that?
To make ANY comment other than something along the lines of “YOU LOOK FANTASTIC” to a five year old about his costume choice is purely cruel and abusive. How sad that Boo was right to be nervous of the criticism he would receive - from ADULTS. It has never been and will never be the “gays” of this world who make scare me, but the “Christians” who seem to think that God died and left them in charge of judging others…
God Bless you as a mother who is clearly raising a child without fear or bias to personal and individual differences, and your son for his beauty and sparkling individuality!
You go Boo! I like your choice of costume! Boo’s Mom…you go girl! And I also loved the ninja comment! I’m a recent follower…got here by way of Holly’s House and some other blog in between. Love it!
Gender is a social construction that frankly is just oppressive. Girls are not born liking pink and wanting to play with dolls. Boys are not born liking blue and wanting to play with cars. Society MAKES them that way.
I find it refreshing that you’re ignoring society’s expectations and letting your son be himself. If more people were like you the world would most likely be a happier place.
When I was 15, I dressed as Charlie Chaplin for Halloween, and rocked the outfit, but my parents expressed concern about “sending the wrong message” if I wore the mustache, which I still did. I’m from a northern city in Mexico, and, sadly, the reactions, thoughts and beliefs of moms ABC are the “common” sense here. Everything’s marked as ‘that’s for boys’ and ‘that’s for girls’, and the gender roles everyone *must* take are deeply marked, and one’s frowned upon, if not bullied, if one challenges those roles. What makes me mad is that it is more punishable for a boy to prefer ‘feminine’ things than a girl preferring ‘masculine’ things.
I lift my glass in honor of you and your son.
You are fantastic, and have given me courage to support my own son (now 9, and prone not to realising when his own preferred path differs from other boys) doing what he wants to do. Thank you.
Also, this line - “Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off” - made me laugh like anything.
Boo is a very lucky boy to have you.
Terrible mother, this is child abuse, sodomy should be punishable be death and certainly you will lead him to be an abominable sodomite if you continue to raise him this way. Let us join together to make it illegal.
You make me sick.
People like you make me sick. Sodomy should be punishable by death? Then maybe believing in an all-powerful man in the sky should be punishable by death. Or eating marshmallows. Or liking cats. Yeah, we should definitely execute everyone who likes cats. Or something equally ridiculous an in no way anyone else’s business.
Wow, really? I say intolerance and hate should be punished by death, too. Where do I sign up to promote that?
Who gives a fuck if it makes you sick? Go eat a dick.
Ha! If you let your boy dress as a female Cartoon Character for Halloween he’ll magically Become gay…and have butt sex. Puh- leez!
People are so cruel these days. So what if he wanted to Daphne? You’ll only be a kid once, so why not have fun with it? Kudos to you and your son for being so awesome. Good luck to both of you! C:
~Matt
That was beautiful. My son is bi (he’s 25 now) and I love him no matter what.
My son is bi (he’s 25 now) and I love him no matter what.
[...] the Internet went berserk over blog written by another concerned mother, this one entitled "My Son Is Gay." It featured a smiling five-year-old boy called “Boo” dressed in his Daphne from Scooby Doo [...]
From one mother to another….Thank You!
WOW, gratz to you mom… people can be so harsh, and you are right; a 5 year old boy should not have to worry about peoples ignorant and close minded opinions. I don’t see what business it is of theirs if he ends up gay or not, either way chances are he will not be as obnoxious as the children they are raising. I’m glad that some people still understand what being a parent is about… unconditional love; something ABC should know if they are”Christian” women.
Just so you know.
Fred is easily the gayest character on that show.
An ascot? C’mon!
I kid. I kid. Good for you. I let my two daughters paint my nails on what feels like a nearly daily basis and I haven’t turned gay yet.
Either way, you have a great boy who rocked a great costume.
I’ve seen this picture a lot since Halloween and I always wonder, where did you get the costume? My kids love the Scooby Doo gang too, and this is a really good costume, nobody looks at it and says, “Who is that kid trying dress like?” It is so obviously Daphne.
If anything, he may want to be feminine at 5 because he’s straight, likes girls, wants to be closer to them, and doesn’t understand his feelings.
I was the same way at the age of 5-6, and I am a straight adult guy.
Also, it’s great that you love your son unconditionally. He is lucky to have such a great mom.
I think that it is ridiculous that people think five years old could be gay. I have nothing against gay people and see nothing wrong with it. I was watching ‘The Talk’ a while back and it annoyed me so much because there was a woman on it who had a son your age and her husband was also on. They talked about how her son, her five year old son (!!!), might be gay because he dressed up in pink at school when he played dress up. She even wrote a book about it. But, what annoyed me most was that she was even on the show and that the hosts took sympathy in her. There is nothing wrong with being gay. Actually, if anything was wrong with being gay I’d say it’s the people who bully gay kids and either beat them or drive the kids to suicide. Kids don’t usually get crushes at age 5 or show signs or sexuality. So, why would a five year old be gay?
I just wanted to add, that if my brother been gay, we would have continued to love and support him regardless. :)
Your post is very close to my heart. All my son Alex (6) wants for Christmas and birthdays are barbies, ponies and fairies. His two favorite colors are purple and pink. Like you, I don’t care! I am going to buy him the Barbie Head that you can style her hair with all the hair accessories and as many ponies and fairies as he wants because I want him to be happy and confident and above all know that I am his mom and I love him, no matter what. My husband, thank God, is also supportive of giving him our unconditional love. You are a strong, well-spoken and insightful mom, and your son is so blessed to have you for his mom. You GO mom!
Good on you for taking on those moms and for allowing your kid to be himself.
When my brother was 3, he liked to wear my mom’s high heels and dance around the house the Shania Tawin song “Man, I feel like a woman.” That summer, my mom took him to a county fair, where a local cover band was playing. When they asked for requests, Baby Brother started yelling, “MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!” My mom tired to explain that they probably wouldn’t play the song because the band didn’t have any female members. He responded, “I DON’T CARE!!!!” The band ignored him and he began to wail at the top of his lungs, “MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN! MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN! MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!” My mom said he was inconsolable and they ended up having to leave. Mom was pretty sure he was gay, but 15 years later, he’s a drummer in a death core band and has a girlfriend.
I admire you, appreciate your point of view and the example you have set for your son. I wish there were more moms like you. Posting this is another positive act. It is important for people to see that they are not alone, and there may be someone out there that is given courage to follow their heart in a similar situation because you shared your experience. Good for you!! Your son will thank you and be a better, stronger, person (gay or straight) because of the way you are raising him.
I just wanted to say, you are a wonderful mom. You remind me so much of my own mother, and had it not been for her, I probably would have committed suicide long ago.
I could not agree more with the things you have said in this article. It is so great that you are willing to accept your son for whatever he is- crossdresser, gay, straight, whatever. We need more people like you in this world. Thank you for that.
Can you believe people are still talking this s**t in this day and age!? And the fact that even the five-year-old could anticipate the potential for trash talk against him—it is so very sad. Their are lots of people in our society who will say one thing in a room of their peers, and another in a different crowd with different viewpoints.
Everyday, I, do my level best to live my truth, speak out in support of my truths and to teach my children how to speak up and live their lives to the best of their abilities. I teach them to go to an adult for help when they see something happening that they know to be “wrong” , yet it is difficult for them, no one wants to be considered the “sqealer,” especially in middle school age groups. But, at the same time, no one wants to be the one who stood by and witnessed an injustice, bullying or other harassment without doing something to stop it.
There was a show on TV recently which addressed this tyoe of ethical situation. I think it was called something like, “What would YOU do if…” It puts actors in controversial situations and tapes the responses of people who pass by. I think the general responses have found that if there are more bystanders close by who can work as a group, they will watch and wait for the right time to help free the victim of abuse. When there is just one on one, it is much more likely passersby will do just that-pass on by. Perhaps they are afraid they will be pulled into the situation themselves.
And make no mistake, ethics and religion do not seem to be the same thing. At least not so much as were shown on the results of the TV show. Those who claimed more affiliation to church did not “score” any higher than “regular” peoplle who just felt it was the “right” thing to do.
I have a brother who died from HIV/AIDS related Alzheihmer’s and Encephalitis after having lived 12 years virtually symptom-free, HIV+ life. He was bullied as a child for many, many reasons-but not because he was gay-he didn’t come-out until he was diagnosed at 24 and didn’t die until 34.
So, what is the answer? I say we let the mother’s A-B-C do their talking, as if someone could stop them anyway? but “invite” them to take it somewhere else where somewhere else where someone else cares about that kind of thing. I agree with one of the posters, It is a day for costumes-the kids get to pick, and who has the time to stand around criticising (gossiping-call a rose by any other name).
I’ve been critizised enough for my choices-I’m sure I will be again. But I do the best I can. So “great” to know I have someone else looking out for me in case I make another mistake.
I agree with your intentions 100% - however, there is a bit of a ‘reality factor’ here that is impossible to ignore:
Kids ARE mean-especially as they grow a bit older. The adolescent brain is a swirling mess of insecurity, narcissism and impulsiveness, which tends to manifest itself in a lot of awful ways. Throw in our current political climate, which still treats gay Americans as second-class citizens, and you have bullying. I wish there was a simple, idealistic way to change this fact, but there’s not.
In light of the above, I feel it is extremely irresponsible to post a photo of your son dressed as a girl with the headline, “My Son is Gay”- not because there is anything shameful about it, but because you are dragging him into a political battle at far too young an age, without regard to the implications of such an act as he grows a bit older.
I know you have no intentions to exploit your child for political purposes, or to “out” your son, but most people aren’t going to read that far. His classmates certainly won’t-and, given that blogs such as this are archived indefinitely, they will almost certainly come upon this blog. I know that personally, as a heterosexual male, I would not welcome being called “gay”- not because there’s something wrong with it, but because it’s not who I am. I would imagine that a 12 year old heterosexual male would similarly object to having an article in which his mother facetiously refers to him as “gay” being circulated around his class. Kids can be cruel, and no amount of idealism is going to change this for the moment. I can only hope that children (and adults) become more accepting and tolerant as time goes on, but that is a political battle, and a child’s personal life should not, knowingly or unknowingly, be dragged into such an arena.
Again, you did the right thing by letting your son express himself. You did the wrong thing by posting it for all the world to see.
In no way did this mother identify her son in the article. She included no names, no towns and not the name of the preschool.
12 year olds would have do an awful lot of trawling to find this, look at the picture and match it to a child some 8 or 9 years later.
What she’s done here is an inspiration to individuals of all ages around the world, with no risk to her son and only positivity and growth to gain.
Well done, Mum.
Wow, I wish I could say I’d have had the guts to do what you did, but I don’t know. You go mom and son. I also wish you were MY mom.
He is adorable, just adorable. And you are so amazing for standing up to those mothers the way you did - I know a lot of people would have kept quiet, for any number of reasons.
I’m so glad I found your blog today, I’ll be sticking around from now on x
Yes!!
You should advice that happy trio of mums to google “Carnival in Canary Islands” so they can see a huge bunch of men dressed up as women. It is the costume of choice for most men, mainly heterosexual. And no, noone has issues about it. It is about having a good time.
I would be more worried if my kid choose a Superman costume. How about if he decides he can fly and jumps from a 2nd floor window?
@aysha; pardon me, but she was talking more of the events that had happened rather than listing off why she would still love her son if he was gay. it’s human nature to want to vent out your frustrations. it’s the same done orally and writing it down.
nerdyapple bottom; i congratulate you for letting your son express himself to whatever he wants to be. not many parents would do that and quickly discourage any gender traits that aren’t socially acceptable. your story has been coming in and out of tumblr. i loved every segment of it and how diplomatically you handled the problems. :] good job!
Good for you for just letting him be, and do what made him happy!
When I was little I liked to dress like a boy, liked my hair short, and really only liked to play with ‘boys’ toys - I had a very impressive collection of cars and trucks that I loved! I hated dolls and other girls toys, and as for wearing dresses, that only happened for holidays and other family events. My parents never tried to tell me who or what to be, or make me into anything else. It wasn’t until I was about 12 that I really started to identify with being female. But even now with my impressive high-heel collection, etc I still relate better to guys then girls and still have more ‘guy’ interests then ‘girl’ ones. I consider myself a good blend of both genders and credit that to my parents letting me explore and figure out who I really was!
Really, we should all just let people ‘be’ and like what they like and what makes them happy…in the long run does it -really- matter that much as long as it’s not hurting anyone else??
I am sorry but if it took you this much explaination to say that your fine with that fact that your son might be gay, you are having more issues with it then you think
Not all situations can be summed up in a “whatevs,” and I don’t think you really believe what you wrote. I think you are uncomfortable with N.A.’s defending her 5-year-old son’s possible gayness, and went the way of an easy, but inaccurate, condemnation.
BTW, I remember dressing my little brother up, with his cheerful consent, as a japanese lady, with a plastic wig, flowing obi, and white face paint. He was about 5. Did he turn out GHAY?
Who cares?
There was a movie out a while ago about a little Belgian child, Ludovic, who is obviously transgendered.(fictional) It was called “Ma Vie En Rose,” or “My Life In Pink.” You might want to give it a Google.
Sarah, you are an amazing mother and a fantastic woman who made the best choices for you and your son.
“IT IS NOT OK TO BULLY. Even if you wrap it up in a bow and call it ‘concern.”
…..WELL said!!!!
“And my little man worked that costume like no other.”
…….Little man’s gonna be fine whatever life holds cuz he’s got a GREAT MOM!
Your story is awesome! You should be proud of yourself and of your son. My 2-1/2 year old daughter originally wanted to be Buzz Lightyear for Halloween. She changed her own mind and went with Tinkerbell instead. My 5 year old son wants a purple and pink unicorn pillow pet from Santa Claus. Do I think either of my kids are gay because of these choices? No way! They are 5 and 2. Their likes and dislikes will change a MILLION times before they realize their sexual orientation. And so what if they do wind up gay? They are still my kids, just as you said. You’re an inspiration and I’m glad to have read this blog today!
This is a truly inspiring article and I thank you for writing it.
My brother was inspired to dance by flash dance when he was 3 years old. Danced until high school. Had to quit because it interfered with soccer. He married a women who also danced and played soccer but had to quit dance because it interfered with soccer. I highly doubt my brother is gay.
I work as a elementary school/childcare teacher in Sweden with kids aged 6-10 and i wouldn’t think for a sec that him wanting to dress up like that was anything marking him as potential gay. Those mothers ought to be ashemed over themself, especially if they call themself christian! You’re an amazing mother and absolutly right! Your son is happy to have such a mom that gives love & support!
Best. Mother. Ever!