You may have heard of the FoxNews dr/consultant that is taking issue with the current J Crew catalog photo featuring the president of the company painting her son’s toenails pink. THE HORROR! If not, go read this.
[I have a short interview with Good Morning America tomorrow about this subject.]
There are so many things that outrage me about this, the first of which is the fact that this Dr. Ablow is a DOCTOR! And he is passing all sorts of judgments onto this mother and her son based on a single photo. That seems very presumptuous. And not all that doctor-y, but I did not go to medical school. I am however a mother, and I have a son that does things that I’m sure the kind doctor would disapprove of, like wear a Daphne costume for Halloween.
I feel that if the picture had been of a male executive playing football with his daughter, Dr. Ablow and others would not have seen an issue with it. Seems a tad misogynistic. And hypocritical. Is it really acceptable for girls to want to aspire to be more masculine but still taboo for boys to do anything previously deemed feminine?
It scares me that a medically licensed psychiatrist says “This is a dramatic example of the way that our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity—homogenizing males and females when the outcome of such “psychological sterilization” is not known.” Uh, we are looking at the same picture right? A mom and her son laughing together? Having fun? Is the problem the nail polish itself or that it is pink? What if it had been black or clear?
Later he says “Increasingly, this includes the truth that it is unwise to dress little girls like miniature adults (in halter tops and shorts emblazoned with PINK across the bottoms) and that it is unwise to encourage little boys to playact like little girls.” Allowing a child to dress beyond their years is very different than letting them play act. At least from my perspective. But remember, I’m not a doctor.
At Boo’s previous school, they had messy day. It had all sorts of activities from painting with spaghetti noodles to tie-dying t-shirts. What else did they do? Paint toenails. Boys and girls.
He also makes some huge and vague leap to this: “The fallout is already being seen. Increasingly, girls show none of the reticence they once did to engage in early sexual relationships with boys. That may be a good thing from the standpoint of gender equality, but it could be a bad thing since there is no longer the same typically “feminine” brake on such behavior.” WHAT? Is this one of those ‘boys will be boys’ arguments where it is the female’s responsibility to know where the lines are and to ensure they are not crossed?
The original article has the doctor stating he hopes this mother is setting aside money for his future therapy. If he needs it, I hope he looks for a doctor that doesn’t make snap judgments.
And later in life, I want my daughter to change tires and my sons to change diapers.
[...] Good Morning. America wanted to Skype with me to get a quote in reference to the J Crew Toenail Debacle of ’11, I had to get dressed as I had already changed into my jammies at 7pm. And I had to wait for Peanut [...]
Hey there! I wrote a short blog post on this topic as well. Being one of the 2 dads in our family, the father of a little boy, and in the design/advertising business, I felt justified in sharing my 2 cents. :)
http://thedesignerdaddy.com/2011/04/pink-toenails/
Keep up the great work with your kid, and take care!
Brent
Designer Daddy
My brother was the only boy. He saw us all with curlers and fingernail polish. He got his tonsil out and the nurse gave my mom the death stare when he went in because his nails were pink. He was 3. Even back in the ’80′s my mom was not going to stand for that and let that nurse know what she thought and then asked for a different nurse. She was cool like that. Now he’s grown into a very secure successful man that is getting married next month. So much for the thought that he would be gay. My son watches me put on makeup every day. He insists and so I put makeup on my son and daughter. It is part of the role model thing. He tries to shave his legs and face with fake razors. It’s ok and one day his “person” whomever he/she is will appreciate that he is such a renaissance man.
Look… this blog spot is set up to make this blogger rant on about what she should or should not allow her little boy do, that is not old enough to make his own decisions. So, if you noticed her blog will mainly pick up if she tries to introduce “anything gay” related. Shakes my head, on the real!! This blogs & most media doesn’t care to really dig deep to really call it for what this kind of site is. I’m “fully” aware this is her blog & she is able to say as she feels “but” please get it right all the way around. Meaning, don’t just post something to get people who are men that dress up in women clothing & try to pass it off as a way of concern. Remember folks, the only way we “the public” knows about her blog is because she “outed her kid in her title”. I know there might be people who will chew up my post & that’s fine to those who want to. I’m aware there are going to be many that will not care 2cents why I’m saying what I’m saying now.
There’s a problem with both of those people because they are not looking at way she wants the attention in the first place. She’s getting all this attention, while not many are allowed to address this point head on. It’s not much different than the media with “the hot topics”. Very sad indeed when the media driven greedy for attention is able to walk by doing this over & over again.
Case at point: The story about a “man” dressed in woman’s clothes was beaten. *NOTE* the whole story is wrong in “why the girls even confronted the man”. You see, the media wants to focus on the gay topic & that is “not the real reason why the young teenager even approached the 22yr man in the woman’s bathroom”.
I’m black a woman & I’m sickened by the teenager’s actions. She deserves to face the consequences of her adult actions, on the real!!! The news story makes it seem so innocent as the “man” was just using the restroom. Give me a freaking break, folks! The story played out as most teenage kids see things in their head as “disrespect”. Mind you the reason for the man being approached. If these girls were in the train of mind as ( oh, no you didn’t just try to flirt with my man!!”, it’s wrong to have that kind of attitude at such a young age… * - Though I can clearly see how having the appearance of a person trying to take your mate is not a cool thing either. So, this really boils down to “him” being in the wrong bathroom on purpose. It’s not important to me what he sees himself to be…. It’s important how the teenagers was feeling after they realized it was a man & not a woman. Hence, them going into the mind of “rage” not thinking things through as they are hitting a “human being”. They should have never approached the “man” dressed as a woman in the first place.
I agree, we should have a good way to discuss heavy topics like some of the above. But enough already with trying to tie her son whom is too young to address this right now in his topic. Bring the topic more to an adult level. Remember. news is news. You can’t down Fox News & yet act like CNN is better. Both have flaws. The media is more driven by the left & it was like that for a very very long time. To the point, those who were “not left leaning” didn’t really have a good source in their minds to have as their voice on political views. The left as twice as much than the right to say their view. So, if you don’t like FOX, then where should the right viewers get their news from if they in turn think CNN is not for them? You see, the left has a lot more influence in the media/Hollywood & the like overall. But the right has made an area from them too. I will watch various news stations & go to different sites to help me pull together some things I wish to address politically.
1> Her own child decided to dress up. Her only sin was complaining about how her son was treated. yet again. most cross dressers are actually heterosexual. Not to mention that even if her child IS gay, he outed himself by choosing his Halloween costume. She merely chose to express anger at the way her child was treated as any lovign mother would.
2> if she wants attention and it’s wrong to be giving it to her, why did you bother to spend a lot of time and effort replying to this post? I’m guessing it’s because YOU wanted attention and was willing to make
3> Transsexuals are not men in women’s clothing. Your assumption that this is the case only shows your ignorance in the matter. And even if it was a man dressed as a woman what kind of heartless person would wish that kind of sickening and savage of a beating on anyone?
You may be a black woman but that doesn’t excuse your insensitivity. would you feel the same way if it was a black woman being beaten in exactly the same situation?
3> Bring the topic to a more adult level? Um.. I haven’t seen anything in this blog but intelligent and sensitive discourse about a variety of topics..
and last but not least,
CNN is biased too does not excuse Fox’s inaccurate and horrible “news reporting” any more than “Fox is biased” Excuses CNNs biased and horrible reporting.
I’m sorry for the non-edited status of that last post. I was half asleep when it was originally posted.
and for further comment..
I kinda figured the troll would come, hit the place ad not bother to come back. It’s what they do.
Sorry to disappoint your expectations… but I just got back from the doctor’s office & I’m taking care of the problem I have to deal with. Plz, kill the whole “troll” thing. A troll, is not always the way to describe a person coming from an honest place cos the view iz not yours.
I have countered your points, prove me wrong to a degree where I’m satisfied you are not just siring up muck and I will apologize for calling you a troll.
fair enough?
“Look… this blog spot is set up to make this blogger rant on about what she should or should not allow her little boy do, that is not old enough to make his own decisions. So, if you noticed her blog will mainly pick up if she tries to introduce “anything gay” related. Shakes my head, on the real!”
Look… a personal blog that people post personal stuff in, that NEVER happens. And the reason that it was noticed and picked up was because, hey, people in “alternative lifestyles” are concerned about this sort of thing and talk about it.
Would you be surprised and concerned if this was a personal blog that said “I brought my black child to school and he was ridiculed and Told he was wrong for being a black kid? Of COURSE you would. This is a personal blog that happened to get noticed because of something that happened that was posted about, no more no less.
I would like you to go to the “born this way” blog and read some of the personal stories about growing up gay. MANY gay people knew that they weren’t straight at that age. I’ve many friends who have told me “I know I was attracted to the same sex since I remember.”
And that doesn’t even negate the fact that I’ve shared here more than once that the majority of cross dressers aren’t gay.
“Case at point: The story about a “man” dressed in woman’s clothes was beaten. *NOTE* the whole story is wrong in “why the girls even confronted the man”. You see, the media wants to focus on the gay topic & that is “not the real reason why the young teenager even approached the 22yr man in the woman’s bathroom”.”
How do you know the media has spun it wrong… Were you there? Do you know anyone involved?
Again, you show your ignorance on the topic. Ignorance is excusable, but for someone who claims to watch various news agents and sites, you are definitely one sided in this.
You say there’s a lot of media bias. Of course there is. I’ve experienced it myself, having been involved with some media projects of the BBC.
But I didn’t learn this stuff from the media. I learned it from having transgendered friends and gay friend and seeing the BS that they go through on a daily basis.
And coming from someone who should be aware that there is hatred and intolerance there over things that can not be controlled it just comes across as sad to me that you seem not to want to respect others the way you probably want to be respected yourself.
We’re discussing these topics right now, aren’t we? Unless you mean “I’m looking for someone to agree with me.” here. I am going against my natural instincts here and trying to have a intellectual debate with you instead of throwing up my hands and going “forget this.” I don’t know why but I’m trying to make you see that, quite simply, you are ignorant of what it’s like to be a transsexual, what it’s like to be gay.. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
What is wrong is that you are not respecting me. You are not respecting the owner of this blog.
This is typical for those that have never experienced this kind of thing. In the same way that I couldn’t tell you what it’s like to live life as a non-white person.
The ironic thing is that this blog has been going for many months before the attention about Boo’s Daphne halloween costume, and has had many posts since then, before this one about the pink nail polish, and has had very few commenters, not so many hits, and talks about all aspects of parenting.
So for the commenter to say that this blog is set up to get hits for talking about being gay is pretty far off the mark… she certainly hasn’t been milking it as an issue since then, doing all sorts of really mainstream “my kid said this funny thing” posts. Only when another hot topic comes up ties into the Daphne blog post and she gets called in to talk about it, as someone whose blog post about gender unwittingly went viral, does she revisit the issue.
So the charge that the blog is set up to talk about gay issues and her son is totally bogus.
Secondly, is there ANY thing wrong with if she DID set up a blog specifically to talk about this? Ie if she had made a blog called “raising my probably-gay son”? I have seen blogs similar to that, I have seen blogs about raising kids of all stripes, esp if there is an issue, like the child has a childhood disease, a learning disability, etc… I personally have a blog about raising my son trilingual. This is to reach out of my personal life, to connect with like-minded people, to put our experience out there for others to know about and consider, to share problems, solutions, discoveries, musings.
And isn’t, as you say, the point of a personal blog to write about personal things? And to have it be from your point of view? And USUALLY, to get people to read it, ie to create traffic online? I know people who visit other blogs and comment esp to create more traffic, who have their blogs listed with blogrolls, who put keywords for search engines, maximize their position on google search, put advertising etc…
So what exactly are the accusations against this blog owner? Being like every other blog owner out there, writing about their personal life, their frustrations and anxieties, opinions and fears?
If someone wants to read a blog as they find it interesting, inspiring, frustrating, angering, whatever… then do it. But it is the blog owner’s blog… you are VISITING. If you don’t want to read it go elsewhere. And if you do want to read it, please read more than one entry before declaring what the only reason for the blog’s existence is, and saying it isn’t ok. As far as I’m concerned (and I have seen some questionable blogs out there), actual incitation to hatred in an illegal manner is one of the few things I’d call out.
The whole point of the internet and blogs is to share disparate opinions and world views and have them inform us. I congratulate Nerdy Apple Bottom for writing what she writes, and touching so many people.
@wen>> Thank you.
By the way, I’ve a feeling that that’s goign to go wasted and that miss “it’s teh ghay agender!” will simply not read and/or rehash that it’s her feeling that this is all a plot, and then accuse us of being horrible people for not immediately agreeing with her. Much like what I’m seeing.
Trying to have an intelligent discussion with some people is \ like trying to move a brick wall with your forehead.
it doesn’t work and you wind up with a headache.
It’s over 20 days after my last post.
the person I have replied too is not responding.
Am I allowed to gloat now about being right about them?
grin!
Neither one of you are right to “try” to gloat about a darn thing. In fact, I have been having migraines that has put me on a lot of bed rest. Therefore, I haven’t been on the net much at all until recently. So I have the last laugh at you both due to your assumptions. This is about people making their feelings or views known. No one has to agree with any of you at all. I find it has been becoming very clear she is making her fame off the back of her kid. I will always side with the child “not” the adult making fame on a topic that really isn’t about a gay anything. I’ve been in more uncomfortable situations than some off the cuff responses made by any of the people she has said. As I have watched this play out. I’m sadden the agenda being placed on this kid who has now turned six will carry what she is pinning on him. The topic or how she was the one that eluded to in her supposed frustration, which led to her saying “if you think dressing him like this… blah blah. Was her pulling the conclusion to the word gay coming out of her mouth “not” theirs. I truly believe, if or when more may be known about this from the other side of the story, we will have a “more” clearer picture overall to fit the missing pieces to the story. And even in the case of hearing the other side, I would never blankly accept only the (women/pastor) side only either. It just would be fair because too much time has past and she’s been on the hot trail to take issue through a situation that really didn’t warrant this kind of attention.
the story seems rather cut and dry to me. Kid cross dresses for Halloween, parents freak out. Kid’s mom doesn’t like it and tells them so.
what am I missing?
enlighten me.
You really are trying to make a case out of nothing aren’t you. “Agenda”… really, her posts before and after the “gay” one get like 18 comments… YUP, the most recent post, I just checked, after having thousands upon thousands of people view her interviewed and coming to her blog to read that one post, got 18 comments.
I really think that if she had this huge agenda for attention, she is doing a very bad job, isn’t she. I mean for all those months, blogging in obscure parenthood, and the same thing since? If she was trying to market an agenda or a product or herself, she is a total failure… it would be like someone wanting to market their new sliced cheese and not getting around to mentioning it on their blog for months, and then letting it die out as a subject afterwards.
Of course when your blog about the stupid church ladies who make your son feel weird and questioned gets a ton of attention, and esp when these days we are trying to raise awareness about bullying and how lgbt kids are treated in schools, and often hate themselves, you accept media requests to speak out. Why wouldn’t you, if it can do some good and reach out to other parents and kids (and adults) who have lived the same thing.
It is so nice that you are soooo concerned about her very normal and sweet kid, who has great parents and siblings, and a well rounded life, but really, you might want to worry about a kid who really DOES live in a fishbowl, like some poor celebrity movie star kid, or some poor little girl dragged around to beauty contests for preschoolers. And as for “a situation that really didn’t warrant this kind of attention”… I would bet you the blog owner totally agrees with you.
Can’t speak for the owner of this blog, but I like you. :D
Sorry for the bump, but I just have to say: http://www.derailingfordummies.com/
I can write a long point-by-point demostration of how this is relavant, which this comment is too tiny to contain.
Oh thank-you Andre. I can directly link to a few of those in the youtube comments about how it is a conspiracy, nay class warfare, nay an agenda, nay… whatever, that people might suggest that millionaires and billionairespay any taxes whatsoever. Much appreciated. Hope our poor commenter’s migraines have abated enough she can attend to all her comment thread derailment in a timely manner.
Troll bait!
Yah, they do tend to respond badly to logic and reason.
Notice how she’s refused for literal months now to attempt to actually list and counter my points like I have done to her?
Just curious if you were aiming that at me or at her?
It’s early I’m not thinking 100%
Maybe I’m wrong, but I read it as that link is pertinent to Ms “she’s got an agenda, you are all horrid sneering people, and poor poor me I have a migraine, you are so cruel”. So she could read it, or we could read it and um, cruelly smile and nod. :) ps, I like you too ,if that remark was meant for me.
The shame of it all is that yes, we are just “fine” with girls taking on more “masculine” attributes, but boys may not do the same for “feminine” traits. I had a similar fight with my daughter’s preschool. They were wanting to have “Spirit Days” where all the kids dressed in a specific color for the day. Of course, those colors were all over the place, but they definitely did not include the “girly” colors of pink and purple. when I asked them why they weren’t putting those on the list they said they didnt want to have to ask the boys to wear “girl” colors. My question was, ok, so what about asking girls to wear “boy” colors? Are we being equal or aren’t we? Obviously, all that did was to label me as a liberal freak, and my daughter isn’t participating in the clothing color thing. but it is so frustrating that even in a place that is supposedly dedicated to a modern, individualized education of each child, we still have to align with cultural “gender” norms. there is still much work to be done before we achieve true gender parity.
[...] for smart people like Nerdy Apple Bottom and Joseph Alexiou who have brought reason into the discussion, pointing out that it’s [...]
There should be a law (or more rather an ethical regulation) that says that when a Dr. is acting as a pundit, some disclaimer is made that he is not commenting in the capacity as a doctor, and that his unsubstantiated opinion is not the same as a diagnosis.
Both the media and the AMA should frown on this kind of kneejerk pronouncement based on nothing but a desire for attention. Trying to validate any political viewpoint by hiding behind a smokescreen of science or medicine is just repulsive.
I touched on this topic on my blog today and linked to your blog. <3
http://fineandfair.blogspot.com/2011/04/day-of-silence.html
I’m sorry, but a commentator for Fox News is already ten shades of “unreliable” in my book. Fox News is not running out looking for the president of the APA. They’re looking for fringe. Has anyone researched his particular credentials? The more vociferously he protests about the “damage” fingernail polish does to young boys, the more I start to suspect he hides his own damage behind his medical degree (or is it a doctorate?)
I actually came here after I saw the Daily Show’s response to this ad. I’ve been by a few times after the “Daphne Incident”, but it’s been a while. I just knew you’d have something to say about it, and very well done I might add.
Here’s the clip:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-april-13-2011/toemageddon-2011—this-little-piggy-went-to-hell
Lets just say that not all doctors graduate at the top of their class. AND…many psychiatrists are crazy.
I have raised three boys…all of whom are productive members of society with scads of friends, great jobs/grades etc….and at one time or another, while doing my own nails, have graced their nails with various shades of polish. None of them have required therapy as a result of our having some fun.
That doctor is a moron. My guess is that he can “cure gay” too.
True that! My father practiced psychiatry for over 30 years, until a few days before he died, and he was severely alcoholic during much of that time. (He was such a sweetie, everybody was covering for him: nurses, his secretary, non-alcoholic colleagues, alcoholic colleagues… I shudder to think what his medical judgment must have been like when he was really toasted, though.)
Quick question..
Psychologist or PHD?
He’s allowed to call himself doctor either way.. much like Dr Laura..
WOW! You are amazing! I see too many of the ABC moms and Dr Judge. You are a great mother and an equally great leader in this world. I am so glad you are in this world. Thank you (and your husband) for being you. I feel safe that there are individuals like both of you in America.
Can’t wait to go buy me some J. CREW!
Thank you for continuing to put your opinion out there on these sorts of topics. And yes, I think I like your “second opinion.”
Pfft! He’s on Fox! ’nuff said.
This made me think of a situation that occurred about a month ago while I was at the nail salon. My friend and I were getting our nails done when a woman with her young daughter (maybe around 8 yrs old) and younger son (around 4 or 5 yrs old) came in. The mom was waiting to get her eyebrows waxed and she allowed her daughter to get a quick mani while waiting. Her son kept running back and forth from the nail polish rack to his mom asking to have his nails painted too. She kept saying no. The mom was probably in her late 30s, tattoos, died hair and a rock n’ roll t-shirt on. I just couldn’t believe that this mom would not allow her son to get his nails painted. I mean, what’s the harm?! A) YOU brought him in here so that you and your daughter could get your beauty services. He just wants to be included. B) What’s so wrong with color on a boys nails? I mean, you can’t tell me that the lead singer of any band you listen to (judging by your t-shirt) doesn’t wear black or red nail polish! C) I don’t even think he would have cared what color it was - it could have been CLEAR — again, he just wanted to be included! The whole situation just baffled me completely.
I thought about it the whole time I was there and I thought “What would I do if my 2 year old son wanted his nails painted too?” I knew my answer before I even finished asking myself the questions: (First off, I wouldn’t even bring my 2 year old into a nail salon - or 4 year old for that matter- because CHILDREN DO NOT BELONG IN NAIL SALONS but that’s a different topic all together). I would have SO not cared if my son wanted his nails painted. It’s just FUN!! Why wouldn’t he want to have colors on his nails?! Loosen up, people! Geesh.
Again, your post expresses my exact opinions in a way I never could! Sharing immediately on my Facebook!
Having a fearful attitude towards kids being experimental is what causes things to become greater issues later. A great lesson to learn as a parent is to treat just about everything with the gravity it deserves. Playfulness should be treated as such and only when harm is actually being done should the heavier boundaries be drawn.
Great post!!
Hello, everyone! I think readers of this thread might be interested in Truth Wins Out’s petition thanking J. Crew for running their heartwarming pink nail polish ad. Please consider signing and passing along to your friends, families, and social networks! Check it out here: http://www.change.org/petitions/thank-j-crew-for-its-heartwarming-pink-toenail-polish-ad
Thanks John!
I don’t like the fact that dressing a little girl beyond her years is possible, but dressing a little boy beyond his years isn’t — strictly because grown men dress like little boys! I know this isn’t the societal error you were hoping to point out, but it’s something my husband and I were discussing the other day, so it stuck out to me. To me, this is indicative of how we view grown men and women. As you point out, the “boys will be boys” mentality is applicable to men in our society, but it is unforgivable for women to act irresponsibly.
(I haven’t read all the comments, so perhaps this has already been addressed.)
I am not sure that grown men dress like little boys, unless you mean they no longer wear suits and ties with shirts every day of the week. Actually we dress little boys like adult men: boys used to not get long pants til they were quite out of little-childdom, and used to wear things like rompers, overalls etc, and as toddlers and babies, dresses, which indicated they were young and immature little beings. Now you can get sweatshirts with college and adult sport team logos on them… definitely we dress our little boys from birth like college students.
There was an interesting article I read, researching this post, that stated that girl and boy children were all dressed in frilly dresses, but as boys matured they were moved out of these “immature” ways of dressing and into sober practical men’s clothes, whereas girls continued into womanhood to wear the trappings of infants: dresses, frills, bows, whites and pastel colors. Women were seen to never actually “grow up”.
Anyways the “boys will be boys”: yes we saw that even with the previous US president, who in his 30s was drinking and driving, threatening to hit his father etc… all just “boy” behaviour. I would suggest that no matter what men do, women are criticized more… and it has to do with the gender inequality.
I read that it is seen as a positive change when undervalued groups emulate the groups in power, whether it is blacks speaking and dressing like whites, lower classes dressing and speaking like higher classes, women and girls dressing and speaking like men… as long as they don’t forget that they are NOT members of the higher class, but that we can see that there is inequality in that it is absolutely seen as bad to go the other way: a white acting like blacks (or “gone native” in the wild west), upper class people marrying into lower classes, or boys acting like girls (“you run like a girl” “you think like a girl” “you’re as emotional as a woman” “you throw like a girl” “you’re wearing pink nail polish: you’ll be gay… and we know they are on the receiving end of sex…”).
Power imbalances become most evident when we look at the acceptability of flow in both directions.
Gosh you are right! Double morals are just great in society today, and the worst is that is not getting fixed with globalization and opinion exchange
I don’t even know where to begin, but let me just say that after I became aware of this “outrage” this morning, you were the first person I thought of. I am SO GLAD that you posted so rapidly.
My husband is not exactly liberal in his thinking all the time, but he was blown away this morning that this is gaining such negative attention, or any attention at all. Honestly, he made pretty much the same argument you made — that this would not be getting one once of notice if the image was that of a girl dressing as a boy or trying on her daddy’s shoes or wearing her father’s tie.
We put so much pressure on small children to “conform” to stereotypes that we created. They have years and years ahead of themselves to worry about being masculine enough or feminine enough. Can’t kids just be kids and play and enjoy their surroundings and not worry about what are “girl” things and “boy” things?
As for the argument about girls becoming so masculinized that they don’t protest about physical intimacy, I don’t even know where to begin… there are so many problems with this assertion, starting with that you pointed out. Is this “doctor” aware, for instance, that when girls are involved in sports — a historically, typically “masculine” activity, thank you very much — they are LESS likely to engage in early sexual activity or to tolerate any kind of abuse from a romantic partner? God forbid they don’t cowtow to their boyfriends…
When will people stop trying to drum up reasons to hate or denegrate each other? Can’t we just enjoy our differences? And can’t we just let our children love the world and explore and play without these kinds of silly, arbitrary limitations?
I hate the underlying cultural assumptions that emerge in things like this doctor’s assholery. Feminine = bad, masculine = good.
Even dressing a GIRL too femininely is apparently recipe for disaster - they might grow up to be SEXUALLY CONFIDANT.
We think that we have equality in society because women can now do all the things that men do. But we won’t have real equality until men can do all the things that women do - and until people actually think that femininity is just as worth aspiring to as masculinity.
Women everywhere are naming their girls things like Carson and Tanner, but they aren’t naming their sons Ashley or Leslie.
Women everywhere are wearing pants and sweatshirts on a daily basis and no one raises an eyebrow, but if my husband went to work in a dress and heels, he’d cause a scandal. In fact, my husband recently heard two coworkers giggling about transgendered women, which they tastefully referred to as “shemales”. He bust in on their conversation to icily point out that three of his closest friends fall into that category and that he’d like them to be a little more sensitive about what they say.
Equality? Ha. Sure, women have the complete right to act like men, but what’s so wrong about acting like a woman?
Thank you! You said it better than I ever could!
You have just invented my new favorite word: assholery.
However there is, or at least should be, a limit.
I’ve seen pictures of five year old girls in halter tops with the word “slut” written on them… and I react much the same way as I would seeing a 5 year old boy in a speedo.
It’s very disturbing.
There is absolutely no empirical evidence for any of this psychiatrist’s claims. His opinions are outrageous and it is inappropriate for him to put the stamp of his profession on them, thus marring the field of psychiatry/psychology in the process and providing credentials to promote his beliefs. Unfortunately there are quacks in every field. I don’t know a single colleague that would agree with him or endorse his claims. And I am a psychologist.
Also, for the record, and in response to another comment on this thread, psychiatrists rarely do therapy. Their primary responsibilities are in the area of medication management. Psychologists do therapy and often have a better grasp of psychological development and research (in my opinion), as they have more training in these areas. It’s a subtle spelling difference that is really important to pay attention to. And unfortunately, most people who are not in the mental health field are not aware of this distinction.
I’d like to weigh in here. I’m a 30 year old Mom of 2 girls married to a STRAIGHT lover of musical theater and hater of all things sports that used to dress as a princess or a prince, or a firefighter or wear an apron and cook and hold a baby doll. His parents forced him into sports and he resented them for it. He was artistic not athletic and his parents didn’t get him and were sure he was turning out to be gay and were trying everything in their power to force him into their mold. As a result, he can be insecure, he’s is overly cautious (as far as business risks and such go), but he is also sensitive and sweet and loving…did I mention STRAIGHT? His play as a child did not affect his sexual preference which he says he knew he was straight at a very young age and didn’t know why people would like he’d like boys. He thought boys were mean. hahaha
My older brother growing up used to wear high heels and pearls…out in public. And no one ever batted an eye that I remember, because I know my Mom would have handed their ass to them and I’d remember that. He also took karate and football in high school….My brother is now married (to a woman) with 4 kids. Who are also allowed to play as they like.
I was talking with a friend recently about how girl toys are babies and cooking while boys toys are fantasy and action heroes. What is THAT saying to GIRLS? You can’t be a hero, but you can make me a sandwich? My girls like to play with cars and dinosaurs and superman as well as princess dresses and baby dolls. And if I had a son, he would be in tap class right along with my daughters, just as my daughters will be in soccer this year. They are KIDS, they should be given free rein to have imaginative play (within reason…ie let’s not play with comet cleanser as snow)
The ONLY thing that would damage them would be in making them feel bad about themselves for wanting to play a certain way. THAT my friends, is taking away their innocence, not a costume, not pink toenails.
I’d LIKE to think that we are raising our kids to believe they can be and do whatever they want as an adult. I’d be more interested in a comparison study where one 4 year old is told “you can’t do that, it’s not right” and the other is encouraged to be him/herself and that the sky is the limit. Who do you think will be the more successful adult?
Andrea - studio where my daughter dances does a princess camp every summer. The girls all love to dress as their favorite princesses. It kind of confused some of the girls when one of the girls came in as Wonder Woman - you know - Princess Diana. It was so cool.
We have a lot of boys who dance at our studio. One of whom is now out in CA working at some major studios and working with some great companies.
I would consider the source, Fox News is not in the biz of informing people, they have a very strong agenda that is right wing and very paternalistic/misogynistic. Don’t watch it. There is no value in watching it and it is only bad for your blood pressure. There is a very small but very vocal minority that thinks like that and the worst thing you can do is help them stir up controversy. they feed off of it. “No such thing as bad publicity” is absolutely true.
When I was a kid I grew up with almost all boy friends. The boys played with my Barbie dolls and I had one of the most impressive matchbox car collections in the neighborhood. And none of us have needed therapy!
You can’t have my cabbage patch kid.. :)
I grew up in an all female family.. I went through a unicorn phase. I’m 35.. still have my cabbage patch kid….
I love your blog, visit it from time to time, even though I am a single woman who is only going to birth a career [or three, I am never one for being stationary in life]… but I love the comments on this blog, I love what a great mother you sound like [and what wonderful mothers are following you as well; so many accepting, decent mothers!].
Anyway, keep up the great job of calling a bigot out on their outdated, and factually incorrect and oftentimes ignorant statements or “expert” opnions.
I agree on all counts! Thank you!!
It is not so surprising that Faux News would put out dregs like this. Bah.
I let my son wear nail polish in any shade he chooses. I do warn him that other boys might make fun of him in school, but he can still wear the polish if he wants. He shrugs and heads to school. As he is getting older, he is showing less and less interest in the polish.
And now it is my turn to shrug.
Faux News!! LOL - I love it!
Im sorry that doctor has lost touch with reality, I have two boys who have girl friends and boy friends, even the other boys liked to play with my Nail Polish and of course my make- up when they were little, including making them selves look like clowns. I dont see the harm in incouraging Creativity in Kids. This Doctor doesnt have any Kids or has lost touch with TODAYS changing expressions for our Kids, Maybe he needs to take a NEW Class on how to inter-act with TODAYS Children…Good POST!
Oh, sh*t! I painted my 16-month-old son’s toenails just yesterday! Guess I’ll start contributing to his future therapy fund today.
I arrived to pick up my sons a couple of weeks ago to have the teacher in the toddler room at preschool say, “George was feeling left-out being the only one without a pony tail, so we gave him one.” It was really cute.
I think the good thing is that the kind of person who can cope with a classroom full of preschoolers is much less likely to have an inflated sense of their own importance.
(I think the prospect of having to apply acetone to a squirmy kid would keep me from painting nails. I could just see my kid saying, “ok, that was fun, now get it off me *now*.”)
What happened to your interview?
As, usual, I agree with you. The “doctor” is a moron. I put the term in quotes because I don’t think anyone that obviously arrogant and biased deserves to be called a doctor.
The only thing I’ll give him credit for is the line about the typically feminine break on sexual behavior. That’s just historical fact, but it hasn’t been too applicable for some time now. The biological truth is that women are the ones who have to have their bodies taken over for 9+ months, and then in reality, in most cases, get stuck with most, if not all of the child care (my niece is a great example-had a kid out of wedlock last year, baby daddy gave up all parental rights-that’s a lot harder for mommies to do because they spend those 9+ months bonding). So, yeah, there is justification for women being the ones to put the break on sexual behavior if they’re not ready to have kids. If men aren’t ready, they can just walk away. Am I saying that’s right or the way it should be? Hell NO! Just that there is logical biological reason for it having been that way in the past, and that it’s better than what we’ve come to, which is NOBODY putting the breaks on sexual behavior before marriage, with the kids and society as a whole suffering as a result. In an ideal world males and females would take equal sexual responsibility, and my favorite line in your post above, is the last one-yay for females changing tires and males changing diapers!
When I read this, my jaw actually dropped. Dr. Ablow is, at best, ignorant of how kids like to play. As a woman who can change a tire (with a husband who changes diapers), I applaud you, and I’ll continue to encourage my kids to playact however they wish.
Great writing to articulate most intelligently and passionately, as usual. :) Your style had a few wisps of Marc Antony’s style in his speech, I think: “Brutus is an honorable man.”
Good luck on GMA!
As usual, I agree with you. I find it interesting that this is such a big deal. At our Elementary schools’ Halloween and Valentine parties, one of the most popular activities is painting fingernails. Yes, it’s true; boys and girls line up to have a parent volunteer paint their nails. Yes, the boys give each other a hard time, yes the girls snicker when they see a boy getting his nails done, but they are laughing, smiling, and can’t wait to show everyone once they’re finished. It’s a fun place to volunteer as there is so much smiling and laughing! Let kids be kids and let’s be the kind of village who raises kids so that they will grow up feeling secure in themselves regardless of whether or not they ever had their nails painted!
My 6 year old son likes Zoobles. GASP the horror! Call protective services! I have no idea how badly I have screwed up his life by allowing him to play with girl toys…What should I do??? Christ on a cracker that man is insane.
WORD!! As usual!
Sharing this with my Facobook group who discusses issues of gender stereotyping.
You are an inspiration.
/The mamma who bought a pink Hello Kitty hat for her son.
I could not finish reading this. I am a 52 year old man and this brings up very clear flashbacks to my childhood which was horrendous.I was not acceptable to my parents especially my father because I was not boy enough. I was completely suppressed and made to be thoroughly miserable and hate myself. I am now a very happy and contented man and am an artist.This only came about once I freed myself from the evil I had been taught that being myself was not acceptable. Once I freed myself I also freed my talent. I add my you tremendously for the stance that you take and for allowing your children to be who they are. I can assure you that any attempt to mould children into what we want them to be will only lead to misery and evil.
Mr. colin(Knitman), may I say that your pink hat and smile are utterly charming! :) So glad that you have freed yourself! You set a fine example now! :D
I feel your pain…
Would you like to borrow my cabbage patch kid for a hug?
I will need him back though.
:)
Good recent article at the Smithsonian: http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/When-Did-Girls-Start-Wearing-Pink.html
Oh, and here is the blog of the writer who was interviewed at the smithsonian, especially about gendered clothing in america: pinkisforboys.org “Pink & Blue: Telling the Boys from the Girls in America” Apparently writing a book about it.
And so much for the good Doctor’s hypothesis we are striving for gender homogenity.
I would also have to say the good doctor didn’t visit the J Crew website’s kids’ clothing:
http://www.jcrew.com/kids-clothing.jsp Just look how we cannot tell the kids apart, the president so pushes pink on boys…
oops, http://www.pinkisforboys.org/ didn’t get that in as a link.
I am appalled at the idea that a mother having fun with a child doing activities that they both enjoy is made to be wrong. My testosterone machine son loved to play with the girls as a kid, he loved pink (all the cute girls wore pink, you know. At least that was what he said), danced (let’s face it, a room full of cute girls in booty shorts and tight tank tops that you get to hold in your arms - what more could a teenage boy want?), and, played with my make up. He is now 20 years old and has such great relationships with girls because while he may have done all the regular “guy stuff” as a kid, he did the “girl stuff” too and learned to love and appreciate girls. Who knows - this little guy who likes to paint his nails with his mother (painting is fun for all, you know) may wind up being the guy all the girls love to date.
Hmmm, shared on Facebook… and similarly my son loves nail polish and the first time he did it I think it was at preschool and they did all the kids. Probably facepainting butterflies on boys faces too leads to premature ejaculation. And of course this idiot “Dr” wants him to go in to therapy, isn’t that what HE gets paid for?
sigh… just crazy. Look, the boy has on regular boy clothes including a sailor type sweater. And what, girls wearing jeans and tshirts instead of dresses leads to teen sex? I have no idea how he can bitch in one breath about girls dressing in short skirts, and looking like adult women (which would, I assume, include makeup, sexuallly ie femininely provocative clothing etc)… and in the next saying we are erasing sexual differentiation.
Has he even so much as WALKED into a children’s clothing shop or toysrus lately? It is IMPOSSIBLE to buy regular colored legos, bedsheets, bicycles, tshirts or toy boxes… no red or yellow or green. Everything is either PINK, PURPLE, MORE PINKKKKK with frills, or blue, black and brown with superheros or sports logos. There are articles all over about how this generation has gone hog wild on the sexual differentiation of everything for kids, so we can no longer decorate a “baby room” but rather a boy or girl room (esp now we know the gender pre-birth), and hard to pass down clothing (even jeans have pink pocket linings and frills on the bottom) or bicycles.
He is living in a fantasy world, above and beyond his horrid assumptions, off the wall cause and effect suppositions and gall (this woman should pay for therapy of bystanders)…
all I can is WOW. You are amazing as a mother. I would like to share with you a moment out of my own son’s recent years. When he was 3 or 4 in preschool he was prentending to be a girl. The other kids started to make fun of him. It was his teacher who intervienved and firmly told the kids “when playing make-believe you can be anyone you want to be.” My son did not have strong male role models at that time. In fact, all he knew were strong women in his life. We will forever be thankful for such an enlightened teacher as the one he had. I wish you, Boo and the rest of your family all the best in this world.
I have four kids, three are adult or almost, and especially my middle son, the one with a big sister and little brother, did ALL those things! Dressed in tutus with his sister, played with Polly Pockets and Barbies… he did the nailpolish and eye-liner in high school, and he is a heart breaker! =) He is in love for the first time ,but has always been ADORED by all females, young and old, he has that kind of charm! There is absolutely nothing homosexual about him, not that I would mind that either… I love the kid!
Unfortunately the world is full of… idiots? I love reading about your thoughts, wish you were nearer, would like to meet you! (I’m in Southern Italy)
I don’t agree with the article. But, this response criticizes the doctor or his opinion and then questions his right to be a doctor; how then does criticizing the criticizer for their opinion make you in the right?
SerSaber, that is just strange. When someone says something totally unfounded in his profession (from a scientific point of view, and I am sure that you will find very little in psychology or psychiatry to back up that “expert opinion” of his), it is not only acceptable, but quite frankly, necessary, to criticize it and point out the lack of foundation. He is speaking in a public forum, giving a supposedly legitimate professional opinion, he isn’t saying “gee, as a dad I wouldn’t do that”…
And quite frankly, criticizing the criticizer for their opinion doesn’t make anyone right. If you say the world is flat and you have a doctorate in geography, and appear in the news to say that, and I criticize you saying that no, the world is shaped by a giant octopus… I am not right by virtue of criticizing your incorrect opinion. If I said no, how can you be an expert in geography, because the world is round, I am right because I have factual information accepted by the scientific community, and verifiable by observation.
Likewise, Nerdy Apple Bottom is right because she is right, ie children who play with things like color on nails, or boys who like pink, are not at risk for transgender issues or therapy (look it up), not because she is criticizing his opinion.
This man is a medical making a statement that not only has no foundation in science he is actually stating a belief that has actually been disproven by science. Based on that I think it is absolutely reasonable to question his qualifications. Professionally speaking this man poses a grave threat to patients who might seek help from him.
Thank you for speaking up for our sons. My son is 25 and is the middle child with an older and younger sister. He had painted toe nails, played dress up, played with dolls, played with trucks, rode bikes, and all the other things KIDS do. He is now a well balanced young man who is in the military, is getting his degree in Psychology, works out, runs, is an amazing cook, a great artist, loves to decorate (spent over an hour picking out sheets and a comforter for his bed) and has a wonderful girlfriend.
Can’t wait to hear what you have to say tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me know about this. Similarly infuriated/enraged. I’m tweeting this now! Can’t wait to see you on GMA!
What a sweet, fun photo spread. What a nauseating comment from that odious “doctor.” Thank you thank you thank you for standing up for boys who like pink and the moms who love them.